A few words to prepare you for the onslaught of verbage that is imminently coming your way:
You've been warned.
Sex sells. It's on commercials for men's deodorant, men's clothing, ads for dating services if you "just wanna chat"... of course, I'm sure the content of your conversation will be restricted to, "I think your eyes are pretty," and, "I wanna pursue you for your intellectual stimulation." I'm thinking you want something else stimulated aside from your cranium.
Ladies, you're not wheedling out of this one. The men aren't the only perverts in this room, we've got our own wiles and deceptions.
How about that cute little black dress you had on last Friday? You know, that one cut strategically, but you still had trouble moving in without something falling out.
Recently, I heard a suggestion someone made about allowing boys to share an apartment with girls, oh, but they can't be dating any of the girls because, you know, that might be a little too close. All the girls in the group responded with enthusiasm and head bobbing, and, dare I say, naivete. It took some coughing and stammering for the one guy in the gathering to penetrate the happy bubble that had swelled in the minds of these girls. "Uhm, that's not a good idea. We guys are too visual and it would be too much of a distraction." And temptation.
Girls, unless you want to be eye-raped by every guy in the restaurant, every homeless man on the street, every dirty playboy with a truckload of STD's on the subway... cover that stuff.
A friend of mine went for a job interview last week, and told me she remembered thinking in the car that her shirt was a little low in front. "Oh well, if it will help." But when she walked in to talk to the manager, his eyes weren't on her face. "I just felt so dirty!" she told me afterwards.
This is not meant to come off as preaching, but rather I PLEAD with you to respect yourself! If you don't respect yourself, you are no better than the cow who poops in the field in broad daylight.
"likewise also that women should adorn themselves in respectable apparel, with modesty and self-control [...] with what is proper for women who profess godliness." - 1 Timothy 2:9,10 (with added elipses)
Oh, and did I forget to mention? That's not your body to show off anyway.
"Or do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit within you, whom you have from God? You are not your own, for you were bought with a price. So glorify God in your body." - 1 Corinthians 6:19,20
You are beautiful, but you distort that beauty by making your guy friends, boyfriends, even strangers think thoughts about you which would make even the strongest stomach want to puke. Ugh, just the thought makes me feel like a hundred cockroaches are crawling up and down my back.
You might be thinking about your closet now... what do you wear from day to day? Can I see cleavage if you put it on? Am I gonna see the stuff that nightmares are made of when you bend over in those jeans?
Oh, and if you're like me and don't have the money in this economy to get a whole new wardrobe, goodwill has some great button down shirts with flowers that look like your grandmother's bathroom wallpaper! I even hear that shoulder pads are coming back into style!
Friday, February 20, 2009
Saturday, January 10, 2009
Defense, Depression, and Divinity in Weakness
When someone breaks into your house, what are you supposed to do? Aim to kill.
When someone assaults you, what are you supposed to do? Aim to kill.
I don't know if I could do it. Even in self defense, the worst I think I could do is to inflict a severe wound, but a life... a life, one apparently not saved... I falter. Jim Elliot and the four missionary men with him, they gave up their lives. They had weapons, they could've spared themselves. But because they knew where they were going, and they knew that if they took the lives of their persecutors, the tribal men would go to hell, they allowed themselves to be killed.
Five men died. The Huaorani tribe later coverted to Christianity.
Jesus prayed for another way to die, he knew what was coming. "My Father, if it be possible, let this cup pass from me; nevertheless, not as I will, but as you will." -Matthew 26:39 He died, spit upon and beaten. "'Aha! You who would destroy the temple and rebuild it in three days, save yourself, and come down from the cross!' So also the chief priests with the scribes mocked him to one another, saying, 'He saved others; he cannot save himself. Let the Christ, the King of Israel, come down now from the cross that we may see and believe.'" -Mark 15:29-32
A note at the bottom of the page says, "This is both an insult and a diabolical temptation similar to those proposed to Jesus at the beginning of His ministry (Matt. 4:2-6). The devil is still seeking to subvert the work of redemption at the very moment of its accomplishment when Jesus is at His greatst physical weakness."
Aim to kill. When is that relevent? My earthly father told me to do that if I was in danger. My heavenly Father tells me to lay down my life, and even had His Son die. Perhaps I will know when and if such an occasion arises what God wants me to do.
Second thought of the day...
"Because a depressed Christian is a contradiction in terms, take yourself in hand and preach the Gospel to your own heart."
That was the headline above the note-taking section in last Sunday's bulletin.
"To myself? What the heck? I know what the gospel says, I'm supposed to be telling others about it!"
...or maybe I didn't understand the gospel.
A. General description of spiritual depression
1. The Look of Spiritual Depression
Physical depression and Spiritual depression go hand in hand. You can't be spiritually nourished and suffer from anxiety and depression day in-day out.
2. The difference between Introspection and Self-Examination
To examine oneself is good, we are told to do just that (Examine yourselves to see whether you are in the faith. Test youselves. Or do you not realize this about yourselves, that Jesus Christ is in you?--unless indeed you fail to meet the test!" -2 Corinthians 13:5). But when Introspection becomes morbid, a serious look should be taken to see whether we are suffering in our spiritual walk. Knowledge of self must be subservient to knowledge of God.
B. Causes of spiritual depression - do we know ourselves?
1. Temperament (introvert/extrovert; strengths and weaknesses)
As the body of Christ, we are all assigned different gifts and personalities, and it is unhelpful to expect all Christians will have identical walks. While the introvert tends toward depression due to over-examination, the extrovert NEEDS to remember to look at himself and question whether he is on the right path. Most extroverts tend to cover their problems superficially, not desirous to deal with the problems they're facing.
2. Physical circumstances
How do we see ourselves? We zero in on the negatives when it comes to appearances (my nose is crooked/my waistline is too big/my hair is too flat), financial stress, illness and tiredness. The physically weak are prone to depression. The physically strong are prone to pride.
3. After-blessing blues
We're blessed by God with an amazing missions trip/sermon/VBS week/conversation about God/etc., but then we have trouble getting on our feet to do it again. A sign we depend on our own strength instead of letting God work in our weakness.
4. The joy-stealer
Satan uses temperaments/physical weaknesses to cause depresssion in God's people. Fight for faith and joy. The devil likes to tell us how awful and sinful and undeserving we are, but he's only telling us the half of it. He forgot the half about joy in Christ, love, forgiveness, hope and grace...
C. Treatment for spiritual depression
1. The ultimate cause of all spiritual depression
Unbelief. Satan has no power over the believing Christian. If it were not for unbelief, Satan would have absolutely no power. None. He cringes back into the darkness when he senses the light of Christ shining from God's people.
2. The ultimate remedy of all spiritual depression
The joy of the gospel message. Surprise! Bet you didn't see that one coming... Unless you know and believe the power of the gospel, you can't share the joy. You don't know the gospel unless you've truly experienced the hope it has imparted to your heart, your own heart, not that of your parents or friends or leaders in your church. We must learn to speak the gospel message to our own hearts. Who are you letting talk to your heart?
Third thought of the day, which kind of branches from the second thought...
Weakness. Never did I understand from experience what it meant to let God be praised in my weakness.
Most of us probably heard Jesus Loves Me in Sunday School, "...they are weak, but He is strong."
Perhaps you don't struggle with independence, but for the longest time, that was the doctrine of my life. I was going to choose for myself, I was going to decide which direction my life would take, I was going to do what I wanted when I felt like it.
Several hard knocks threw me into very uncomfortable positions in which I was... weak. Independence taught me to rely on my internal compass to direct me in the right way. But life throws you into a hole in the middle of the North Pole where your compass just won't work. It spins like crazy and doesn't know what to think.
When something seems so imperative to me that I want an answer, a direction, I hate waiting for it. I like depending on myself, I taught myself to live that way. But God likes to take me for a ride, not to punish me, but to gently discipline my ways to see things from His view.
I had to stop everything in my life for two days. Sitting, just sitting, on the edge of my bed, staring into space, and praying.
"And a man wrestled with him until the breaking of the day. When the man saw that he did not prevail against Jacob, he touched his hip socket, and Jacob's hip was put out of joint as he wrestled with him. Then he said, 'Let me go, for the day has broken.' But Jacob said, 'I will not let you go unless you bless me.' And he said to him, 'What is your name?' And he said, 'Jacob.' Then he said, 'Your name shall no longer be called Jacob, but Israel, for you have striven with God and with men, and have prevailed." -Genesis 32:24-28
After two days of wrestling, of questioning what God meant by having me in such a place in my life, I was broken. My will, my own strength, was gone. And I did not feel like wrestling any more, but rather a willingness to accept God as almighty and knowledgeable and the only One with such a personal interest in my life, that He held in His hand the map of my existence. Such a peace flooded my soul at this reassurance that I cannot describe it any better than that I had built a dam of "independence" and "self-assurance" that had pent up the glory of God. But I could not hold the dam up. He broke it down, piece by piece, brought me to where I had no more resistance in my being. And I gratefully received the outpouring of Himself in my heart.
Another note at the end of the page in Genesis, "God dislocated Jacob's hip, the wrestler's pivot of strength. Having previously depended upon his wits and strength, Jacob's natural powers were now crippled. Every step he would take in the future would remind him of his dependence upon divine grace."
"But He said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong." -2 Corinthians 12:9,10
When someone assaults you, what are you supposed to do? Aim to kill.
I don't know if I could do it. Even in self defense, the worst I think I could do is to inflict a severe wound, but a life... a life, one apparently not saved... I falter. Jim Elliot and the four missionary men with him, they gave up their lives. They had weapons, they could've spared themselves. But because they knew where they were going, and they knew that if they took the lives of their persecutors, the tribal men would go to hell, they allowed themselves to be killed.
Five men died. The Huaorani tribe later coverted to Christianity.
Jesus prayed for another way to die, he knew what was coming. "My Father, if it be possible, let this cup pass from me; nevertheless, not as I will, but as you will." -Matthew 26:39 He died, spit upon and beaten. "'Aha! You who would destroy the temple and rebuild it in three days, save yourself, and come down from the cross!' So also the chief priests with the scribes mocked him to one another, saying, 'He saved others; he cannot save himself. Let the Christ, the King of Israel, come down now from the cross that we may see and believe.'" -Mark 15:29-32
A note at the bottom of the page says, "This is both an insult and a diabolical temptation similar to those proposed to Jesus at the beginning of His ministry (Matt. 4:2-6). The devil is still seeking to subvert the work of redemption at the very moment of its accomplishment when Jesus is at His greatst physical weakness."
Aim to kill. When is that relevent? My earthly father told me to do that if I was in danger. My heavenly Father tells me to lay down my life, and even had His Son die. Perhaps I will know when and if such an occasion arises what God wants me to do.
Second thought of the day...
"Because a depressed Christian is a contradiction in terms, take yourself in hand and preach the Gospel to your own heart."
That was the headline above the note-taking section in last Sunday's bulletin.
"To myself? What the heck? I know what the gospel says, I'm supposed to be telling others about it!"
...or maybe I didn't understand the gospel.
A. General description of spiritual depression
1. The Look of Spiritual Depression
Physical depression and Spiritual depression go hand in hand. You can't be spiritually nourished and suffer from anxiety and depression day in-day out.
2. The difference between Introspection and Self-Examination
To examine oneself is good, we are told to do just that (Examine yourselves to see whether you are in the faith. Test youselves. Or do you not realize this about yourselves, that Jesus Christ is in you?--unless indeed you fail to meet the test!" -2 Corinthians 13:5). But when Introspection becomes morbid, a serious look should be taken to see whether we are suffering in our spiritual walk. Knowledge of self must be subservient to knowledge of God.
B. Causes of spiritual depression - do we know ourselves?
1. Temperament (introvert/extrovert; strengths and weaknesses)
As the body of Christ, we are all assigned different gifts and personalities, and it is unhelpful to expect all Christians will have identical walks. While the introvert tends toward depression due to over-examination, the extrovert NEEDS to remember to look at himself and question whether he is on the right path. Most extroverts tend to cover their problems superficially, not desirous to deal with the problems they're facing.
2. Physical circumstances
How do we see ourselves? We zero in on the negatives when it comes to appearances (my nose is crooked/my waistline is too big/my hair is too flat), financial stress, illness and tiredness. The physically weak are prone to depression. The physically strong are prone to pride.
3. After-blessing blues
We're blessed by God with an amazing missions trip/sermon/VBS week/conversation about God/etc., but then we have trouble getting on our feet to do it again. A sign we depend on our own strength instead of letting God work in our weakness.
4. The joy-stealer
Satan uses temperaments/physical weaknesses to cause depresssion in God's people. Fight for faith and joy. The devil likes to tell us how awful and sinful and undeserving we are, but he's only telling us the half of it. He forgot the half about joy in Christ, love, forgiveness, hope and grace...
C. Treatment for spiritual depression
1. The ultimate cause of all spiritual depression
Unbelief. Satan has no power over the believing Christian. If it were not for unbelief, Satan would have absolutely no power. None. He cringes back into the darkness when he senses the light of Christ shining from God's people.
2. The ultimate remedy of all spiritual depression
The joy of the gospel message. Surprise! Bet you didn't see that one coming... Unless you know and believe the power of the gospel, you can't share the joy. You don't know the gospel unless you've truly experienced the hope it has imparted to your heart, your own heart, not that of your parents or friends or leaders in your church. We must learn to speak the gospel message to our own hearts. Who are you letting talk to your heart?
Third thought of the day, which kind of branches from the second thought...
Weakness. Never did I understand from experience what it meant to let God be praised in my weakness.
Most of us probably heard Jesus Loves Me in Sunday School, "...they are weak, but He is strong."
Perhaps you don't struggle with independence, but for the longest time, that was the doctrine of my life. I was going to choose for myself, I was going to decide which direction my life would take, I was going to do what I wanted when I felt like it.
Several hard knocks threw me into very uncomfortable positions in which I was... weak. Independence taught me to rely on my internal compass to direct me in the right way. But life throws you into a hole in the middle of the North Pole where your compass just won't work. It spins like crazy and doesn't know what to think.
When something seems so imperative to me that I want an answer, a direction, I hate waiting for it. I like depending on myself, I taught myself to live that way. But God likes to take me for a ride, not to punish me, but to gently discipline my ways to see things from His view.
I had to stop everything in my life for two days. Sitting, just sitting, on the edge of my bed, staring into space, and praying.
"And a man wrestled with him until the breaking of the day. When the man saw that he did not prevail against Jacob, he touched his hip socket, and Jacob's hip was put out of joint as he wrestled with him. Then he said, 'Let me go, for the day has broken.' But Jacob said, 'I will not let you go unless you bless me.' And he said to him, 'What is your name?' And he said, 'Jacob.' Then he said, 'Your name shall no longer be called Jacob, but Israel, for you have striven with God and with men, and have prevailed." -Genesis 32:24-28
After two days of wrestling, of questioning what God meant by having me in such a place in my life, I was broken. My will, my own strength, was gone. And I did not feel like wrestling any more, but rather a willingness to accept God as almighty and knowledgeable and the only One with such a personal interest in my life, that He held in His hand the map of my existence. Such a peace flooded my soul at this reassurance that I cannot describe it any better than that I had built a dam of "independence" and "self-assurance" that had pent up the glory of God. But I could not hold the dam up. He broke it down, piece by piece, brought me to where I had no more resistance in my being. And I gratefully received the outpouring of Himself in my heart.
Another note at the end of the page in Genesis, "God dislocated Jacob's hip, the wrestler's pivot of strength. Having previously depended upon his wits and strength, Jacob's natural powers were now crippled. Every step he would take in the future would remind him of his dependence upon divine grace."
"But He said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong." -2 Corinthians 12:9,10
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
As the clock ticks
It's 2:17 in the morning. Ugh. But I can't sleep, whether it's because I still smell like cleaning chemicals from the bathroom or whether something else is bugging me, I'm not exactly sure... probably a combination.
What do you do... when someone you trusted, someone who's been around, verbally slaps you in the face, and not even about you, but about someone else you hold close? What should I have done? I didn't defend my other friend. I just... sat there. And listened to the poison coming out in words shaped into an ugly beast, a reflection on the one speaking.
Anger and hurt surged through me in a violent rush of adrenaline, the blood in my veins heated to an uncomfortable temperature, but what did I say? Nothing. Absolutely, nothing.
And now, sitting cross-legged on the floor two and a half days later, where do I find myself? The hurt still aches. It was cruel, it was tactless, thoughtless. But my heart...? I can say I forgive her, say she didn't mean it. But those would be only words.
I've decided to not allow this to sit too deeply, my anger is nearly diminished, replaced by a sadness. Should I have done something? Should I still do something? For once, I don't even feel a hot-or-cold pull towards one thing or another.
What do you do... when someone you trusted, someone who's been around, verbally slaps you in the face, and not even about you, but about someone else you hold close? What should I have done? I didn't defend my other friend. I just... sat there. And listened to the poison coming out in words shaped into an ugly beast, a reflection on the one speaking.
Anger and hurt surged through me in a violent rush of adrenaline, the blood in my veins heated to an uncomfortable temperature, but what did I say? Nothing. Absolutely, nothing.
And now, sitting cross-legged on the floor two and a half days later, where do I find myself? The hurt still aches. It was cruel, it was tactless, thoughtless. But my heart...? I can say I forgive her, say she didn't mean it. But those would be only words.
I've decided to not allow this to sit too deeply, my anger is nearly diminished, replaced by a sadness. Should I have done something? Should I still do something? For once, I don't even feel a hot-or-cold pull towards one thing or another.
Sunday, October 26, 2008
Excuse me for a moment while I act like a teenager...
How else shall I say it? I'm not intending to make this a God-blog entry, though it's not far-fetched that it will indeed lean that direction. Like when I mention a divine banana.... but I digress. This time around, I just want to do something I haven't in a long while. Poetry. Rhymes. I came across some of my old melodramatic ones tonight and thought to myself, "Hmm, how long has it been since I've made one of these?" Oh, and by the way, I'll be the first to admit I'm a hopeless romantic... just setting that out there.
Aug. 30, 2007
Round and round the heart it goes,
Toyed with as a trivial matter.
Round and round till no one knows,
Is he the one, or is it a latter?
Sept. 2007
As she dreamt in sweetest grace,
His eyes caressed her placid face.
Though when her eyelids fluttered open,
Not a word he thought was spoken.
April 30, 2007
Skin caressed by water,
A face kissed by the sun.
Lips scorched by fire,
And stars reflected in her eyes.
Then came the touch of time.
The skin wilted,
The face paled.
Rosy lips faded,
And the eyes dimmed.
Then came understanding.
October 9, 2007
A broken arrow lies at her feet,
Another reminder of Cupid's defeat.
Bloodied and worried from twisting,
The hands which snapped the arrow are blist'ring.
And though the protruding end be removed,
The embedded head is not so behooved.
Swelling and oozing are not easily quelled,
When one foolish heart to another does meld.
Personally, that one might be in my five top favorites. Another in the top five was inspired by "Wuthering Heights". Just after I read the book, the feelings I'd experienced so overwhelmed me I had to describe it...
October 27, 2007
Beast without a heart,
A visage of black art,
Is he man, does he feel?
His gaze is cold as steel.
Heathcliff he's called,
Man who's never bawled.
Bitterness his companion
And Anger his minion,
Thrashing those who refute him,
Not fearing to break a limb.
Only one has the power
To topple this human tower,
And cause him to weep
For the curse of his life to keep.
To look through my journal is like freezing the time it is now to see what I was then compare it to who I am now.
May 12, 2007
Another year, gone by all too fast. They're graduated high school and now will prepare to take their first steps free from the restraints of home. No, Christian and Mary Helen are not coming back next year.
November 23, 2007
It is still up in the air, and I doubt it will work out tonight, but Christian and I want to see Enchanted. My parents are Christmas shopping and he's at his grandparents' house having a second Thanksgiving dinner. (How can one have two of those in one week??) When mom was still here, she said that if Christian did come, I should call her to say my eunuch friend had shown up. ----(Christian, if you're reading this, I love ya! ;)----
December 23, 2007
So, I've been thinking about today's definition of love: you find me attractive, I find you attractive, let's make babies! Honestly, people. Love is so much more than superficiality, more than your shallow opinions about appearances. Quote from MH, "You're going to get old and ugly. Get used to it." You'll lose your figure, your hands will have sunspots, but is that to be defined as 'ugly'? But I digress. My point being, you can't go out on a date and by madly in love with someone. Now, you may be strongly attracted to them - for whatever reason - but to love implies to know someone enough to see their flaws and accept them. For both to be able to point out weaknesses and help each other through good and bad. This isn't even the half of it, but it's late and I have no more writing room.
January 9, 2008
Is there something wrong with wanting to bite of every man's head? Please, enlighten me. I am well aware that MH and mom are majorly irritated with me for condemning each man who even looks at me wrong. The Best Buy boy who ran the register said, "You look familiar to me". As if I look desperate or something, Sandra chimed in, "Her name's Lesley", and two thoughts collided at once. First thought: "He's flirting with me! Cocky dude", and secondly, "Nice pick up line". Neither one of these phrases left the corridors of my mind.
February 24, 2008
Grandpa's funeral services took place yesterday. I felt distinctly stoic because I was the only one of my cousins who didn't cry.
April 6, 2008
Help me to love You, Lord God. I am weak and the flesh constantly falls asleep, but may You always be my first, true love, and the heartbeat of my life. May I not forget it!
May 2, 2008
10:15 I will be able to move... it's 9:45 now. After much harranguing about, "can I"/"can I not?", I sit here in the bathroom with hair streaked in red paste. That's right: I'm highlighting my hair pink!
June 17, 2008
I really experienced the power of God tonight at Pastor Rene's church, almost as if the Holy Spirit ran in my veins and out of my mouth. Erin asked me to give my testimony, while we were already in the van, and that it should happen after our "In the Light" drama. I can't deny, but at first I felt nervous and dizzy. But I realized that it wouldn't be me, but the Holy Spirit through me, who would enable me to speak. How many times had God reminded me of the story of Moses, and when Moses said, "No, I can't" and God just said, "I gave man his mouth, who are you to tell me you cannot speak?"
June 18, 2008
I really just want to cry when I think about leaving Christina, Maria, Alexis, Innani, Pastor Rafael and his wife and all those I've built relationships with, even in spite of the language barrier.
June 19, 2008 (from eight-year-old Christina in my journal)
What The lesli love Cristina the lesli mi sister no amigo ni broder my sister what you do love Love Love Love
June 20, 2008
A choking sensation constricted my throat last night as I climbed into the van. I couldn't find Christina. I don't know if she went home or if I just wasn't able to find her in the crowd, but I didn't get to say goodbye.
-----------------------------------------
I'm going to stop there. Mexico changed my life. To see how the tone of my life has changed... it's hard for me to fully register that that was indeed me last year. How could I have been so hopeless, so selfish, so.... godless? All I was concerned about were boys, school, drama and useless junk. God has revealed Himself to me so clearly, I saw it written on the believers' faces in Acuna. There was joy. I was an American, I had TV, a laptop, a good solid home, clean clothes, working toilets... I had so much, but they had so much more. They knew real joy, and for me to find that in such a desolate wasteland in houses that were mere slabs of wood and metal roofing and cardboard awoke me from my state of slumber.
I saw the power of God. I felt it. He was in me, and nothing can make me disbelieve that. How often I stray. I only pray that the Lord will keep me close to Him so that my human nature may not tempt me.
See? It did turn into a God-blog. :)
Aug. 30, 2007
Round and round the heart it goes,
Toyed with as a trivial matter.
Round and round till no one knows,
Is he the one, or is it a latter?
Sept. 2007
As she dreamt in sweetest grace,
His eyes caressed her placid face.
Though when her eyelids fluttered open,
Not a word he thought was spoken.
April 30, 2007
Skin caressed by water,
A face kissed by the sun.
Lips scorched by fire,
And stars reflected in her eyes.
Then came the touch of time.
The skin wilted,
The face paled.
Rosy lips faded,
And the eyes dimmed.
Then came understanding.
October 9, 2007
A broken arrow lies at her feet,
Another reminder of Cupid's defeat.
Bloodied and worried from twisting,
The hands which snapped the arrow are blist'ring.
And though the protruding end be removed,
The embedded head is not so behooved.
Swelling and oozing are not easily quelled,
When one foolish heart to another does meld.
Personally, that one might be in my five top favorites. Another in the top five was inspired by "Wuthering Heights". Just after I read the book, the feelings I'd experienced so overwhelmed me I had to describe it...
October 27, 2007
Beast without a heart,
A visage of black art,
Is he man, does he feel?
His gaze is cold as steel.
Heathcliff he's called,
Man who's never bawled.
Bitterness his companion
And Anger his minion,
Thrashing those who refute him,
Not fearing to break a limb.
Only one has the power
To topple this human tower,
And cause him to weep
For the curse of his life to keep.
To look through my journal is like freezing the time it is now to see what I was then compare it to who I am now.
May 12, 2007
Another year, gone by all too fast. They're graduated high school and now will prepare to take their first steps free from the restraints of home. No, Christian and Mary Helen are not coming back next year.
November 23, 2007
It is still up in the air, and I doubt it will work out tonight, but Christian and I want to see Enchanted. My parents are Christmas shopping and he's at his grandparents' house having a second Thanksgiving dinner. (How can one have two of those in one week??) When mom was still here, she said that if Christian did come, I should call her to say my eunuch friend had shown up. ----(Christian, if you're reading this, I love ya! ;)----
December 23, 2007
So, I've been thinking about today's definition of love: you find me attractive, I find you attractive, let's make babies! Honestly, people. Love is so much more than superficiality, more than your shallow opinions about appearances. Quote from MH, "You're going to get old and ugly. Get used to it." You'll lose your figure, your hands will have sunspots, but is that to be defined as 'ugly'? But I digress. My point being, you can't go out on a date and by madly in love with someone. Now, you may be strongly attracted to them - for whatever reason - but to love implies to know someone enough to see their flaws and accept them. For both to be able to point out weaknesses and help each other through good and bad. This isn't even the half of it, but it's late and I have no more writing room.
January 9, 2008
Is there something wrong with wanting to bite of every man's head? Please, enlighten me. I am well aware that MH and mom are majorly irritated with me for condemning each man who even looks at me wrong. The Best Buy boy who ran the register said, "You look familiar to me". As if I look desperate or something, Sandra chimed in, "Her name's Lesley", and two thoughts collided at once. First thought: "He's flirting with me! Cocky dude", and secondly, "Nice pick up line". Neither one of these phrases left the corridors of my mind.
February 24, 2008
Grandpa's funeral services took place yesterday. I felt distinctly stoic because I was the only one of my cousins who didn't cry.
April 6, 2008
Help me to love You, Lord God. I am weak and the flesh constantly falls asleep, but may You always be my first, true love, and the heartbeat of my life. May I not forget it!
May 2, 2008
10:15 I will be able to move... it's 9:45 now. After much harranguing about, "can I"/"can I not?", I sit here in the bathroom with hair streaked in red paste. That's right: I'm highlighting my hair pink!
June 17, 2008
I really experienced the power of God tonight at Pastor Rene's church, almost as if the Holy Spirit ran in my veins and out of my mouth. Erin asked me to give my testimony, while we were already in the van, and that it should happen after our "In the Light" drama. I can't deny, but at first I felt nervous and dizzy. But I realized that it wouldn't be me, but the Holy Spirit through me, who would enable me to speak. How many times had God reminded me of the story of Moses, and when Moses said, "No, I can't" and God just said, "I gave man his mouth, who are you to tell me you cannot speak?"
June 18, 2008
I really just want to cry when I think about leaving Christina, Maria, Alexis, Innani, Pastor Rafael and his wife and all those I've built relationships with, even in spite of the language barrier.
June 19, 2008 (from eight-year-old Christina in my journal)
What The lesli love Cristina the lesli mi sister no amigo ni broder my sister what you do love Love Love Love
June 20, 2008
A choking sensation constricted my throat last night as I climbed into the van. I couldn't find Christina. I don't know if she went home or if I just wasn't able to find her in the crowd, but I didn't get to say goodbye.
-----------------------------------------
I'm going to stop there. Mexico changed my life. To see how the tone of my life has changed... it's hard for me to fully register that that was indeed me last year. How could I have been so hopeless, so selfish, so.... godless? All I was concerned about were boys, school, drama and useless junk. God has revealed Himself to me so clearly, I saw it written on the believers' faces in Acuna. There was joy. I was an American, I had TV, a laptop, a good solid home, clean clothes, working toilets... I had so much, but they had so much more. They knew real joy, and for me to find that in such a desolate wasteland in houses that were mere slabs of wood and metal roofing and cardboard awoke me from my state of slumber.
I saw the power of God. I felt it. He was in me, and nothing can make me disbelieve that. How often I stray. I only pray that the Lord will keep me close to Him so that my human nature may not tempt me.
See? It did turn into a God-blog. :)
Tuesday, October 7, 2008
Part of the Learning
Not much has made so huge an impression in my life as Mexico. Mexico this, Mexico that, I feel sort of silly telling those who weren't there about the revelations I had. But it plucked a heartstring, and God continued to teach me through the summer and show me more about Himself, over and over.
But somehow I find myself fighting for it.
During the summer, it was easier for me to focus on positives, friends were home from college, and the expectation of the big SENIOR YEAR was a novelty. July became August, and August turned September, and October eventually rolled around. To graduate, I only needed three credits, but took five anyway. Then the negativity sets in, when I wake up and realize that this is life, and I have to do homework, get up at an ungodly hour, work for more hours at my job, and try to balance a social life when I'm not buried in a text book. Add in the arguments over college and ACT's, a severe spiritual drought, and some unencouraging and negative comments directed at me, and there I was. I felt like a plant set in a windowsill, but no one came to water me, and the sun was scorching.
I'm still fighting. I am a daughter of the King, and His joy is my joy. Or so it should be, I fall on the pessimistic side of things generally.
Yet though I get frustrated, I feel dry, I have faith. I believe in the Lord's presence, even when I don't "feel" Him there. That is all. He is the reason for my life and the God of my heart, and I need to bow down in humility, because I can't make it alone.
The Lord is so good, even as I sit here, flipping through to find some other passage, He gave me one... the only red text on the page, which is what caught my eye.
"Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.'"-2 Cor. 12:8,9
Lord,
You are my God, my rock, the guardian of my soul. Please take every thought I have and make it obedient to you, help me be positive when nothing would make me want to be, except that I remember that is what you would want of me.
It is a struggle I'm going through, I do not have this perfected, I cannot say that I've reached the other side. But this is the sanctifying process. I thank the Lord that He is loving and patient and guiding, for I would be dead without Him.
I want to dance, like I did in Mexico, to let the whole world fall away except that I am holding the hands of my brothers and sisters and proclaiming my Lord, from every corner, in every language. There are no boundaries in Christ, and one day I hope to hold that little brown hand again, whether in this life or the next.
"Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in my weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong." -2 Cor. 12:9,10
But somehow I find myself fighting for it.
During the summer, it was easier for me to focus on positives, friends were home from college, and the expectation of the big SENIOR YEAR was a novelty. July became August, and August turned September, and October eventually rolled around. To graduate, I only needed three credits, but took five anyway. Then the negativity sets in, when I wake up and realize that this is life, and I have to do homework, get up at an ungodly hour, work for more hours at my job, and try to balance a social life when I'm not buried in a text book. Add in the arguments over college and ACT's, a severe spiritual drought, and some unencouraging and negative comments directed at me, and there I was. I felt like a plant set in a windowsill, but no one came to water me, and the sun was scorching.
I'm still fighting. I am a daughter of the King, and His joy is my joy. Or so it should be, I fall on the pessimistic side of things generally.
Yet though I get frustrated, I feel dry, I have faith. I believe in the Lord's presence, even when I don't "feel" Him there. That is all. He is the reason for my life and the God of my heart, and I need to bow down in humility, because I can't make it alone.
The Lord is so good, even as I sit here, flipping through to find some other passage, He gave me one... the only red text on the page, which is what caught my eye.
"Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.'"-2 Cor. 12:8,9
Lord,
You are my God, my rock, the guardian of my soul. Please take every thought I have and make it obedient to you, help me be positive when nothing would make me want to be, except that I remember that is what you would want of me.
It is a struggle I'm going through, I do not have this perfected, I cannot say that I've reached the other side. But this is the sanctifying process. I thank the Lord that He is loving and patient and guiding, for I would be dead without Him.
I want to dance, like I did in Mexico, to let the whole world fall away except that I am holding the hands of my brothers and sisters and proclaiming my Lord, from every corner, in every language. There are no boundaries in Christ, and one day I hope to hold that little brown hand again, whether in this life or the next.
"Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in my weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong." -2 Cor. 12:9,10
Sunday, August 31, 2008
A New Chapter
Sweat made my nightclothes cling to me. Morning had come once again and disturbed my sleeping state. This time though, I wasn't too upset about that. Some things you just wish you could leave behind, wish they'd never happened, and you could take an eraser to your own history and blot it from your memory and everyone else's. It was my fault. How did it take me a year to realize that I needed to quit blaming him for my own mistakes? I deceived my parents. I lied. I knew what I was doing was wrong, and yet I led him on anyway. What was I thinking? I know what I was thinking. It was new, no one had been forthright in the past and said, "I like you, will you go out with me?" A whole new experience, and what attracted me was the danger of the situation. Hah, danger? Silly word to use, but for me, it was a daring thing to go behind my parents' backs and their direct orders.
And that is what brought on a year of guilt, shame, hesitancy, and depression. Wow. I think God knows what He's talking about when He uses everyone to speak to me to tell me I'm doing wrong. That was one heck of a month too, what with everyone on the same topic, every function, every discussion, and I knew it. I knew what God was telling me, and I covered my ears and kept going. When it came to my will versus that of my Lord and my parents, I was bull-headed and stubborn, and they were just trying to protect my heart.
My forehead was still damp, with some of the wispy curls sticking to it. Another dream; another disturbing, mentally torturous nightmare.
You remember Frodo, how on Weathertop the ringwraith gored his shoulder? Every subsequent year, his wound would ache at the recollection of his pain. Every October seventh, he would battle with the memories of that night.
It has been a year. But did I ever really get over it, did the saying "time heals all wounds" really ring true? If it did, then I have no idea why I was still haunted. It wasn't the fact that he kissed me. It wasn't even that I felt I had given a little piece of my heart away. It was the knowledge that I had directly disobeyed a direct order and was reaping the consequences. I was so at fault for so much.
Throughout the day, I felt like a drone, attending to necessary tasks, but not feeling anything. But the Lord has His ways of working and pulling me back to Him, to understand that I will mess up, as much as I hate it, but that He is always reaching, pursuing my heart and desiring to be the object of my affection. After a Thursday night breakdown session, in which everything tumbled out in Bible study in a messy heap, I went home and cried. But it wasn't that the salty drops were from self-pity, or even that things hadn't gone my way, but more that I realized how utterly screwed up I was, and how much it was I to blame for my own problems instead of everyone else. And a phrase surfaced in my mind... a sweet memory of a time in Mexico.
"I will sing a new song to the Lord." It was a new day. The past is unchangeable, all it can do is offer the experience to help us see how we must change our attitude, our outlook, and how we are supposed to view our Lord's forgiveness. I am forgiven! I am freed from that sin, He took it from me the day I brought it before the cross on which He had removed every wrong thing I had ever done. Why was I wallowing? I am supposed to rejoice in forgiveness and learn from my mistakes, not to commit them again, but also not to let them become a barrier to the happiness my God has in store for me.
It is a new day, and a new chapter is beginning. The pages are already being stained with the ink of history's pen. Friday morning dawned bright and clear. A new day. And the burden was gone.
"He drew me up from the pit of destruction,
out of the miry bog, and set my feet upon
a rock, making my steps secure.
He put a new song in my mouth, a song of
praise to our God." Psalm 40:2-3
And that is what brought on a year of guilt, shame, hesitancy, and depression. Wow. I think God knows what He's talking about when He uses everyone to speak to me to tell me I'm doing wrong. That was one heck of a month too, what with everyone on the same topic, every function, every discussion, and I knew it. I knew what God was telling me, and I covered my ears and kept going. When it came to my will versus that of my Lord and my parents, I was bull-headed and stubborn, and they were just trying to protect my heart.
My forehead was still damp, with some of the wispy curls sticking to it. Another dream; another disturbing, mentally torturous nightmare.
You remember Frodo, how on Weathertop the ringwraith gored his shoulder? Every subsequent year, his wound would ache at the recollection of his pain. Every October seventh, he would battle with the memories of that night.
It has been a year. But did I ever really get over it, did the saying "time heals all wounds" really ring true? If it did, then I have no idea why I was still haunted. It wasn't the fact that he kissed me. It wasn't even that I felt I had given a little piece of my heart away. It was the knowledge that I had directly disobeyed a direct order and was reaping the consequences. I was so at fault for so much.
Throughout the day, I felt like a drone, attending to necessary tasks, but not feeling anything. But the Lord has His ways of working and pulling me back to Him, to understand that I will mess up, as much as I hate it, but that He is always reaching, pursuing my heart and desiring to be the object of my affection. After a Thursday night breakdown session, in which everything tumbled out in Bible study in a messy heap, I went home and cried. But it wasn't that the salty drops were from self-pity, or even that things hadn't gone my way, but more that I realized how utterly screwed up I was, and how much it was I to blame for my own problems instead of everyone else. And a phrase surfaced in my mind... a sweet memory of a time in Mexico.
"I will sing a new song to the Lord." It was a new day. The past is unchangeable, all it can do is offer the experience to help us see how we must change our attitude, our outlook, and how we are supposed to view our Lord's forgiveness. I am forgiven! I am freed from that sin, He took it from me the day I brought it before the cross on which He had removed every wrong thing I had ever done. Why was I wallowing? I am supposed to rejoice in forgiveness and learn from my mistakes, not to commit them again, but also not to let them become a barrier to the happiness my God has in store for me.
It is a new day, and a new chapter is beginning. The pages are already being stained with the ink of history's pen. Friday morning dawned bright and clear. A new day. And the burden was gone.
"He drew me up from the pit of destruction,
out of the miry bog, and set my feet upon
a rock, making my steps secure.
He put a new song in my mouth, a song of
praise to our God." Psalm 40:2-3
Friday, August 15, 2008
Certainty
The alarm sounded for the third time on a Thursday morning. In my opinion, six-thirty should not be seen on the clock face unless it's PM. To be a licensed driver has it's pros and cons, one of the latter being the fact that I have to take my brother to his private school every morning, except Wednesdays when I actually have to be in my own classroom before he even has to leave the house. Loser. Anyway...
It's a wonder how all during the summer I take about an hour and a half to get up and be ready for work, but under the pressure of the academic schedule, I can be ready in 30 minutes. I was late getting into the car, the dashboard read 7:37, but the engine roared and then hummed to life smoothly, and I was gone. Letting off my brother at his school entrance, I continued on my way, turning up the radio to a station I actually wanted to listen to. That was probably just because I needed the noise, I wasn't actually listening. Oh, and I drive with my windows down, so at stoplights I get these looks from old people like, "Teenagers, ugh."
You know those certain times of the morning when the entire FM network goes on commercial? Yeah, I think it's a conspiracy. That happened, and I hate listening to those, so I hit the power button. What a morning to leave my MP3 at home. Windows down, the coolness of the morning whipping through the inside of the vehicle, and the sound of rubber tires against the different types of pavement made me realize just how noisy my thoughts really were. There was no way to concentrate on sounds, or even one line of thinking, everything was going at once. In some ways I wish I was more like my mother, at least she doesn't begin thinking until about lunch time. But the philosopher, theologian, romantic and teenager were all awakened in me at near eight in the morning. Can there be coincidences, or is it ALL supernatural? Why is predestination such a hot topic, and why didn't God make it clearer, or did He and we just haven't figured out how to interpret it? Or is it one of those things He just requires us to always lean on Him and learn from Him, because we'll never know the full answer until we get to heaven?
All those thoughts began to clash with ones that pertained solely to me, my wants, needs, studies, work, etc. "So-and-so has a well-rounded education." I've heard that before, and yet when I meet someone who truly is good in many ways, I feel so inadequate. An example, this person is amazing at volleyball, the piano, singing, people skills, writing, mathematics, and blah, blah, blah. I don't know anyone quite like that... but you get the idea. I look at my own paltry accomplishments and sigh. I shouldn't, and it normally doesn't bother me because I like what I'm good at, but it's those moments when I get caught in the compare snare when I feel ugly. But I digress.
Over the course of my day, it seemed a cloud hovered over my head, my own personalized storm. And of course, when you're blinded by problems of the world, it sidetracks you and you miss the one way out, the off ramp to the right destination. Thoughts were blazing through my head at lightning speed, most of them dark in nature and I couldn't understand it. Ever since God revealed Himself and His love for me at the beginning of this year, these episodes had become almost non-existent, but here they were, and back with a vengeance. I didn't feel I had the strength to fight it, and I doubt I did even if I were to try out of my human power. The entire day I was downcast and physically exhausted from trying to bear up under the weight of this.
Midnight was almost near, I flopped to one side of the bed. Too warm, I rolled to the other side. I almost dreaded falling asleep, because who knows what kind of dreams would accompany unconsciousness. Then it felt as if a command was uttered to me. "Pick up Spurgeon by your bedside." And for some reason, I did. Normally I would complain and deny something that told me to stay awake, but this was too clear. All I had to do was find August 14, and the verses which reflected off the page to my eyes instantly made sense. "Thou, Lord, hast made me glad through thy work." Psalm 92:4. The gist of that page was that, though as Christians we undergo "common trials and troubles of the world," that was nothing compared with the fact that in Christ we have been forgiven, and that we are no longer enslaved to the devils of this world, but free to be loved and freely forgiven, and because of that, we should have no fear of the hard times which inevitably will accompany us. Rejoice! The Lord has forgiven wrongs and has given us through Himself the strength to overpower evil which may haunt us.
But it was the next page which caused me to sob tears of exultation because of its truth. "I know their sorrows." Exodus 3:7 (The most poignant phrases I have boldened)
"The child is cheered as he sings, 'This my father knows'; and shall not we be comforted as we discern that our dear Friend and tender soul-husband knows all about us?
1. He is the Physician, and if He knows all, there is no need that the patient should know. Hush, thou silly, fluttering heart, prying, peeping, and suspecting! What thou knowest not now, thou shalt know hereafter, and meanwhile Jesus, the beloved Physician, knows the soul in adversities. Why need the patient analyse all the medicine, or estimate all the symptoms? This is the Physician's work, not mine; it is my business to trust, and his to prescribe. If He shall write His prescription in uncouth characters which I cannot read, I will not be uneasy on that account, but rely upon His unfailing skill to make all plain in the result, however mysterious the working.
2. He is the Master, and His knowledge is to serve us instead of our own; we are to obey, not to judge: 'The servant knoweth not what his lord doeth'. Shall the architect explain his plans to every hodman on the works? If he knows his own intent, is it not enough? The vessel on the wheel cannot guess to what pattern it shall be conformed, but if the potter understands his art, what matters the ignorance of the clay? My Lord must not be crosss-questioned any more by oen so ignorant as I am.
3. He is the Head. All understanding centres there. What judgement has the arm? what comprehesion has the foot? All the power to know lies in the head. Why should the member have a brain of its own when the head fulfils for it every intellectual office? Here, then, must the believer rest his comfort in sickness, not that he himself can see the end, but that Jesus knows all. Sweet Lord, be thou for ever eye, and soul, and head for us, and let us be content to know only what Thou choosest to reveal."
How many times has my Lord put me back on the right track! How many times has he pointed out to me, "Hello, where are you going? Let me show you the right way." In His abundant mercy and forgiveness, I can have full assurance as His child, that though I may get distracted, and forget the right, He's always there, always ready and willing and wanting to turn me right. Like a child learning to walk, the daddy speaks to his child to follow his voice, and urges his child to come into his open arms. When the infant falls, daddy is there to pick up his offspring and set them right again.
In bold print across the top of Psalm 71 are the words, "Forsake Me Not When My Strength Is Gone". I won't write it out, I'll leave it to you to look it up if you have the interest. Honestly, I get so excited talking about my Lord and what He done for me - both good and trying times - that I don't know how to stop. I could talk about Him all day, I can't get enough of discussions about Him, I want to know Him so much more. And I know that it is only He who would've instilled this desire, this passion for Himself.
It struck me as odd last night though, that I take the love Christ gave me as secure and forget how high the price for it was. In some ways, I forget its power and wish for human love with more force in my core than I experience when I think of Jesus' love. I'm wrestling with that, and if I were to ask for prayer, it would be for clarity to know how to love God as well as man, or rather, to love Him more than man, but at the same time. While I'm comfortable with my identity in Christ Jesus, I still can't deny that I yearn for a husband someday, and how with each passing month and year, it only hurts more. It is not for me to question my Master, He is my Physician and even if I don't understand the prescription for this time in my life, He will let me know when I need to. Of that, I am entirely certain.
It's a wonder how all during the summer I take about an hour and a half to get up and be ready for work, but under the pressure of the academic schedule, I can be ready in 30 minutes. I was late getting into the car, the dashboard read 7:37, but the engine roared and then hummed to life smoothly, and I was gone. Letting off my brother at his school entrance, I continued on my way, turning up the radio to a station I actually wanted to listen to. That was probably just because I needed the noise, I wasn't actually listening. Oh, and I drive with my windows down, so at stoplights I get these looks from old people like, "Teenagers, ugh."
You know those certain times of the morning when the entire FM network goes on commercial? Yeah, I think it's a conspiracy. That happened, and I hate listening to those, so I hit the power button. What a morning to leave my MP3 at home. Windows down, the coolness of the morning whipping through the inside of the vehicle, and the sound of rubber tires against the different types of pavement made me realize just how noisy my thoughts really were. There was no way to concentrate on sounds, or even one line of thinking, everything was going at once. In some ways I wish I was more like my mother, at least she doesn't begin thinking until about lunch time. But the philosopher, theologian, romantic and teenager were all awakened in me at near eight in the morning. Can there be coincidences, or is it ALL supernatural? Why is predestination such a hot topic, and why didn't God make it clearer, or did He and we just haven't figured out how to interpret it? Or is it one of those things He just requires us to always lean on Him and learn from Him, because we'll never know the full answer until we get to heaven?
All those thoughts began to clash with ones that pertained solely to me, my wants, needs, studies, work, etc. "So-and-so has a well-rounded education." I've heard that before, and yet when I meet someone who truly is good in many ways, I feel so inadequate. An example, this person is amazing at volleyball, the piano, singing, people skills, writing, mathematics, and blah, blah, blah. I don't know anyone quite like that... but you get the idea. I look at my own paltry accomplishments and sigh. I shouldn't, and it normally doesn't bother me because I like what I'm good at, but it's those moments when I get caught in the compare snare when I feel ugly. But I digress.
Over the course of my day, it seemed a cloud hovered over my head, my own personalized storm. And of course, when you're blinded by problems of the world, it sidetracks you and you miss the one way out, the off ramp to the right destination. Thoughts were blazing through my head at lightning speed, most of them dark in nature and I couldn't understand it. Ever since God revealed Himself and His love for me at the beginning of this year, these episodes had become almost non-existent, but here they were, and back with a vengeance. I didn't feel I had the strength to fight it, and I doubt I did even if I were to try out of my human power. The entire day I was downcast and physically exhausted from trying to bear up under the weight of this.
Midnight was almost near, I flopped to one side of the bed. Too warm, I rolled to the other side. I almost dreaded falling asleep, because who knows what kind of dreams would accompany unconsciousness. Then it felt as if a command was uttered to me. "Pick up Spurgeon by your bedside." And for some reason, I did. Normally I would complain and deny something that told me to stay awake, but this was too clear. All I had to do was find August 14, and the verses which reflected off the page to my eyes instantly made sense. "Thou, Lord, hast made me glad through thy work." Psalm 92:4. The gist of that page was that, though as Christians we undergo "common trials and troubles of the world," that was nothing compared with the fact that in Christ we have been forgiven, and that we are no longer enslaved to the devils of this world, but free to be loved and freely forgiven, and because of that, we should have no fear of the hard times which inevitably will accompany us. Rejoice! The Lord has forgiven wrongs and has given us through Himself the strength to overpower evil which may haunt us.
But it was the next page which caused me to sob tears of exultation because of its truth. "I know their sorrows." Exodus 3:7 (The most poignant phrases I have boldened)
"The child is cheered as he sings, 'This my father knows'; and shall not we be comforted as we discern that our dear Friend and tender soul-husband knows all about us?
1. He is the Physician, and if He knows all, there is no need that the patient should know. Hush, thou silly, fluttering heart, prying, peeping, and suspecting! What thou knowest not now, thou shalt know hereafter, and meanwhile Jesus, the beloved Physician, knows the soul in adversities. Why need the patient analyse all the medicine, or estimate all the symptoms? This is the Physician's work, not mine; it is my business to trust, and his to prescribe. If He shall write His prescription in uncouth characters which I cannot read, I will not be uneasy on that account, but rely upon His unfailing skill to make all plain in the result, however mysterious the working.
2. He is the Master, and His knowledge is to serve us instead of our own; we are to obey, not to judge: 'The servant knoweth not what his lord doeth'. Shall the architect explain his plans to every hodman on the works? If he knows his own intent, is it not enough? The vessel on the wheel cannot guess to what pattern it shall be conformed, but if the potter understands his art, what matters the ignorance of the clay? My Lord must not be crosss-questioned any more by oen so ignorant as I am.
3. He is the Head. All understanding centres there. What judgement has the arm? what comprehesion has the foot? All the power to know lies in the head. Why should the member have a brain of its own when the head fulfils for it every intellectual office? Here, then, must the believer rest his comfort in sickness, not that he himself can see the end, but that Jesus knows all. Sweet Lord, be thou for ever eye, and soul, and head for us, and let us be content to know only what Thou choosest to reveal."
How many times has my Lord put me back on the right track! How many times has he pointed out to me, "Hello, where are you going? Let me show you the right way." In His abundant mercy and forgiveness, I can have full assurance as His child, that though I may get distracted, and forget the right, He's always there, always ready and willing and wanting to turn me right. Like a child learning to walk, the daddy speaks to his child to follow his voice, and urges his child to come into his open arms. When the infant falls, daddy is there to pick up his offspring and set them right again.
In bold print across the top of Psalm 71 are the words, "Forsake Me Not When My Strength Is Gone". I won't write it out, I'll leave it to you to look it up if you have the interest. Honestly, I get so excited talking about my Lord and what He done for me - both good and trying times - that I don't know how to stop. I could talk about Him all day, I can't get enough of discussions about Him, I want to know Him so much more. And I know that it is only He who would've instilled this desire, this passion for Himself.
It struck me as odd last night though, that I take the love Christ gave me as secure and forget how high the price for it was. In some ways, I forget its power and wish for human love with more force in my core than I experience when I think of Jesus' love. I'm wrestling with that, and if I were to ask for prayer, it would be for clarity to know how to love God as well as man, or rather, to love Him more than man, but at the same time. While I'm comfortable with my identity in Christ Jesus, I still can't deny that I yearn for a husband someday, and how with each passing month and year, it only hurts more. It is not for me to question my Master, He is my Physician and even if I don't understand the prescription for this time in my life, He will let me know when I need to. Of that, I am entirely certain.
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