A respite from the elements

"I've got a pocket full of sunshine, I got a love and I know that it's all mine, take me away, a secret place, a sweet escape, take me away to better days."

This morning I woke up after having an odd dream, and I haven't had a dream in weeks. I was lying in a comfortable tent in Arabia or somewhere like that, thick velvet curtains, gold tassels, plush pillows, all in that red, violet, and gold theme.

Everything was beautiful, nothing seemed to be lacking in any way of comfort, but at the same time, it was peaceful. I sensed the presence of others from where I lay on the pillow bedding, but saw no one.

Upon realizing that I'd fallen asleep, adrenaline rushed through me and I stood violently. Fear seized me as I vaguely remembered being outside, working, and now I was being idle on a couch? "I need to get back, I need to go" were part of the incoherent thoughts racing through my mind.

Scanning my surroundings, I saw the exit, and through the parted curtains lay the expanse of the desert. Quick as an arrow, I dashed for the sunlight, but halfway there, a voice called to me.

"Where are you going?"

I didn't feel the need to answer, almost as if I knew he could read my thoughts anyway. But it stopped me all the same. I knew there must've been a physical presence where the voice had come from - sort of to the left and behind me - but I didn't look.

I thought long and hard, rooted to the spot, and heard the unspoken word, "rest" reverberate throught the stillness.

If there was more to the dream, I don't remember it, yet this was so powerful, that when I did awaken in reality, I didn't brush it off as a nonsensical imaginary occurrance.

Immediately, I understood what it meant - I go, go, go, never resting, always trying to do something of worth in "the desert", that when I finally do collapse, it's because God's trying to say, "Hey, you need to stop, to rest and let me be God." I can try to improve my spiritual walk out there under the blistering sun, to do something that looks good, but is it?

Hey, I know! I can build sandcastles, those are pretty, and while I'm hard at work, everyone will think I'm doing something impressive. (Now, I don't know how many of you have tried to make turrets and moats at the beach before, but if you have, you know it's not possible to shape anything without water.) I could try building the first turret of respect for authority and obedience, then I could have the gate of love with which I could welcome everyone who came to me, then the next turret could be prayer and my daily Bible readings. This should be great!

.....8 days later.
I know I can do it, it's almost done! See, if I cup my hands like this, and blow a little like that, oh hang on.


......13 days later.
Almost... got it... just a little more... oops

21 days later.
I can't! There's no way I can do this, it won't shape up, it doesn't look good at all. *breaks down and cries*

It's after this, after I've come to the end of myself that I can see that I've been building it wrong the whole time. The entire foundation was a mess, because I didn't have one. I said, "Hey Lord, thanks for all your help before, but I think I'm going to go try this over here and I'll ask you when I need you again, okay?" But little did I even think that it was HE who would be the foundation, that HE would hold me up if I would just ask. It didn't even occur to me that it was HIS grace which acted as the water to hold my castle together. And that I wouldn't be able to last with one dose of grace either, but had to keep coming back for refreshment from the elements.

The elements in Mexico tried me. Dust coated my teeth as the heat worked to make me feint, but the Lord was with me and gave me the strength to go forward. I knew way before going on the trip that my body doesn't respond well to heat, that I overheat and become dizzy and nauseous. And I did. Every day one of those ailments would assail me. I felt like whining, like sitting out and bemoaning my fragility. Leaders urged me, forcing me to get up and out the door and over the border. It was one of these leaders who came to me on an especially awful morning and he said to me something along the lines of how I should learn to lean on God's strength and to quit focusing on how I didn't feel well or how I couldn't get up. I was embarrassed at my condition, how my face was streaked with tears, how I could feel everyone's eyes on me even though it was during worship, and how my head and stomach just couldn't agree.

The Lord broke me, many, many times this past week, broke me to show me who He is and how much I NEED Him. He is a necessity, not only someone who's there to help if you're in doo-doo again.

And in the dream, when I thought about running back outside to pick up what I'd left off, He called me. He asked me, "Where are you going?" Did I really intend to leave Him again, after He'd brought me back to Him into His tent with everything I'd need and more? What did I think the desert had that I could benefit from?

Rest. Rest is what I needed, and to rest was what He wanted me to do. To just relax in His presence, to talk to Him, to receive my sustenance from His table.

"I am come into my garden, my sister, my spouse." Song of Solomon 5:1
"A garden is a place of retirement. So the Lord Jesus Christ would have us reserve our souls as a place in which He can manifest Himself, as he doth not unto the world." C.H. Spurgeon

Yes Lord, I can hear now. Thank you for rest, for love, and for grace when I run back into the desert to try to do it on my own time after time.