Heart in the ER

In just one week, perspectives can shift. In one week, I learned more about cooperation, the need to not always be right, laying down prejudices, loving those who fall, and when to keep my mouth shut even though something may be on the tip of my tongue. Man it was a crazy week.

Not only did my friend stay at my house from Monday to Sunday, but several other incidents occurred which shook me out of my self absorbed state. I didn't even realize I was in one, which scares me. It's not about me, what I wear, what I want to listen to... no, it's about the other person, the other people involved in the situation. What I wear: other girl friends may wear bikinis and okay, that's just what they want, and I don't really care. But as for me, I don't want to present any type of distraction for the men around me. It's hard... I came back from work the other week, changed out of my food-smelling clothes and went to the closet to find something clean. That shirt's too short. Too much of a v-neck. What if I bend over in that one? Too tight. What was I thinking when I bought that? I wasn't. I either didn't consider the opposite sex, or I did... and that's why I purchased it.

Consideration: Respecting those around you and not focusing on yourself (clothing, speech, sarcasm, music, etc.)

Beginning this week, I unconsciously held myself aloft from those around me. He/she lost her virginity, how stupid! He/she smoked weed, they have no standards. How could he/she do _________ ?! And so on. There was a sense of pride buried in me so deep I'd forgotten it. These people who didn't measure up to my standards were automatically disliked, I held them in contempt. How could I?

God is so incredible. He planted a story in my mind, the adulteress. I picked out everything wrong with the Pharisees, how they were wicked and hypocritical and essentially, damned. Uncovering a few new facts, I marveled at them, turned them over in my head... not until Sunday when I heard that same exact story did the dust begin to be blown away. I was a Pharisee. Yes, people fall, but the way I looked down at them and considered myself of a "better cloth" was utterly ridiculous and disgusting. Whatever I've thought in my heart is considered a sin just as much as the actual doing... whenever impure images come flitting across my mind's eye, I have to strain against them, to cry out and have them banished. But what about the times I don't try running from them? When I have allowed myself to entertain vile thoughts with a twinge of guilt, but I don't give them up right away. Oh Lord God, I am so wicked, so pharisaical. Friends may lose their purity, but who am I to judge them? I have a log in my own eye, I cannot touch them. Humble me Lord Jesus, because I don't even know all the evil crevices in which sin lurks and encourages my pride, my self righteousness. May I drop my stone and walk away. You are the only one who has the right to cast it, and you haven't. Let me learn, God.

I know he heard me. For instead of this haughty response, when I was told a friend of mine had slept with another, I didn't get angry. Shock numbed me until the reality sunk in and I burst into tears. Virginity is a gift, one I intend to safeguard until marriage, but for those who no longer possess it, I weep. No indignance, no flippant "oh well", but a sincere hurt for the sacred thing that is lost. May the Lord preserve this response, and give me a love for those I may feel have let me down.

Realization: that nothing good is in me, I am completely dependent on God's mercy to spare me. Pride has burrowed deep and needs eradication.

I can recall a few times when I had something sarcastic to say, or something that would have been defensive instead of peaceable during my friend's stay. It would've been so perfect, that sentence would've made sense and brought my point home. But it also would've made a tear between us. There is no call to react in a way that would incite a negative response, trigger a disagreement. I did not need to be right. I did not need to fight to the death in that battle. It's hard for me to see someone else think they've won when I don't agree. And then they know they've won and you have to employ all your willpower and ask for the grace of God to just move on, to love this person even though you can't agree with their sentiments, when you are just as angered about their pride in winning as you should be about your own hurt pride when you lose.

Recognition: Seeing pride and seizing it when it raises its head, capturing it and understanding the motives behind your desire to retaliate. You've been offended. Your pride has been insulted. Pride wants to win the game, but when it flares at "I told you to put on sunscreen," just give it up.