Just another Wednesday

You know those days when you do things you're not supposed to, and you know you're not supposed to, but you do them anyway? It's been one of those. I feel like whining, and I shouldn't. I've eaten more desserts than I should've. It's hard for me to curb my tongue when I have something to say, because normally it's off topic and people get mad at me. There's a connection somewhere in my head, but the others don't see it. Ugh. That's all I feel like is that one word, "ugh."

Of course everyone sees me eating chocolate and watching movies and they're like, oh, that time of the month huh? But no, it isn't and that's what bothers me. Have I become so worked up about little dumb things that I can't even just take life as it comes? A month ago even, I felt so... good. Yeah, I was always worried about something or other, but my head was clear, I felt direction, I was definitely more patient and less irritable. Now... I want it back.

People have a huge draw on me. They can usually change my mood, they control my thoughts when I'm not around them, I talk to people all the time. I hardly ever leave my room now, it's my safe haven, but when I do I'll go downstairs to mom at her computer and sit... or talk. It means so much to me to just talk, just to have a companion to bounce things off of or discuss the latest people happenings. However, when the topic turns to paint chips and furniture, boredom immediately takes residence.

The drive home tonight wasn't nearly long enough. Rain threw itself from the heavens onto the windshield in smattering drops as the wipers worked tirelessly to get rid of them. The light changed from green to yellow then proceeded to red. "What are you doing?" the question whispered through the corridors of my mind. "I'm sitting at a red light, duh." Red changed to green and I pushed the accelerator. "Yeah, well what about those other feelings you've had for days, hmm? Not feeling 'good enough' not 'pretty enough' that you're 'too much' something?" I sighed. "I know, I'm not supposed to feel that way, I'm a 'daughter of the King' but you know what, I still feel this way, and it's not going away anytime soon."

So this is what it's come to. A positive outlook, more or less a sense of direction... and what has it become? A wallowing, pitiful, whiny girl who wants to frump in her bedroom, away from the world. People dictate my life. Why do I let them? I dunno. Sometimes I wish men didn't exist.

Here I sit with my legs crossed, and try to figure a way to redeem this... I want a story to share, an inspirational verse maybe, I just want God to reach down, grab a hold of me and say, "I've missed you." ... in fact, I think He just did. What began as hot tears in my eyes have left their threshhold and fallen in neat little lines down my cheeks.

Lord, I've missed you too, so much, and I love you. You're here with me, everywhere I go, but how many times do I not see you, not acknowledge your very presence right here with me? Forgive me Lord God, for I've failed. I have thrown your words to the wind, have forgotten my first love, and I want to come back. Please take me, take what I hold back, for you know all I haven't given. Jesus, thank you for loving a girl like me, who screws everything up and forgets you more often than she should.

Be thou my vision, of Lord of my heart, and naught be all else to me, save that thou art.

The reality of Christ, is so ... awesome. He fills my limbs with warmth and my heart feels as if it's overflowing. He is my God, He is my love, why should I ask for more? Whatever He has stored up for me will come at the time He has appointed. He thought of me, of my needs, my sorrow, my desires from before that first day when he formed the earth from nothing. He said, "I will love her because she is mine."

"O Lord, you have searched me and you know me. You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar. You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways. Before a word is on my tongue you know it completely, O Lord. You hem me in - behind and before; you have laid your hand upon me; Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too lofty for me to attain. Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there. If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast." -Psalm 139

Though I do not know who wrote that in the forward of my journal, it has been a comfort, a conviction, and a source of food for thought. He knows me. And still, He wants to be near me, and me near Him. If that isn't the most mind-boggling thing, I don't know what is.