...male and female he created them.

A deep sense of sadness has clouded this evening, and the perpetrator was one, hour-long TV program. Born a Boy, Brought Up a Girl on TLC.

Brian and Bruce Reimer were twin brothers, born in the 1960's. A few months after birth, their parents took them to be circumcised, but the instrument used for the task malfunctioned and permanently damaged Bruce's genitals. Because of this, the parents eventually settled on taking him to psychologist John Money, a big surgeon of the time who boasted in his ability to create transexuals.

The Reimer parents considered and decided on this approach, hoping that maybe this would make their child more "normal". Thus, Bruce became Brenda. At first, following strict orders to treat Brenda as a girl, the procedure appeared to be working, but at the age of seven, Brenda had her own ideas about the things she liked to play with, the way she acted, and her general manner. Girls at school thought she was weird, and taunted her, and the boys would have nothing to do with a "girl".

In one scenario, the twins reported that Dr. Money forced them to remove their clothes in his office so that he could photograph them, and also showed Brenda how girls ought to look. But Brenda was not to be swayed; John Money was not going to convince her to undergo surgery.

Yearly visits were still made to the psychologist, a twisted and provocative character with a sick mind, and every year Brenda became more and more opposed to his urgings to have a surgical procedure to permanently decide her gender as female. One day, after another disturbing visit to the office, Brenda came home and told her parents she would commit suicide if she had to set foot in Dr. Money's establishment one more time. Finally, after thirteen years, Brenda was told that she was in fact, born a boy. When the reality of it sank in, Brenda was ecstatic to find that she wasn't really a girl who was horribly abnormal, but an adolescent male who'd been horrendously mislead.

Brenda, who changed his name to David, was shunned by his brother when the truth was told him. Brian felt betrayed, and the sibling he'd called his sister for his entire life was now really his brother. This lead to a mental breakdown which resulted in schizophrenia later in life.

After a prolonged estrangement between the brothers, David convinced Brian to go public with him in 1997 about their treatment in Dr. Money's office and the horrors of their childhood in their dealings with such an institute. In 2002, Brian died of drug overdose, though whether it was intentional or not is indeterminable.

David was shattered by the loss of his brother. In the next couple years, marital problems arose with his wife and on May 4, 2004, she asked for a separation. He stormed out of the house without informing her of where he was going. Returning home briefly while she was out, he took a shotgun, sawed off the barrel, and the next morning, drove to a parking lot and shot himself.

And that is how it ends? What kind of story is that? One that broke me, one which I sat to watch, and felt the burning sensation of tears come to my eyes. I didn't used to cry so much. But God has faithfully been revealing to me how much I NEED him. It's not a matter of whether I want him, or think him a good companion, no, I need him there to guide me or I am as good as dead. If I didn't know him, what would be a reason for my still being alive, writing this right here and now? I am ashamed of my own selfishness and thank God so much for dragging me outside of myself, to see that I was selfish, and unthinking. I must content myself first with him and his plans for my life before I can appreciate anything that comes my way, even the times which are a trial and disheartening. I used to think that a boyfriend was the answer, that I'd feel loved and adored and subconsciously I believed that all pain would magically dissipate. But it isn't like that, and perhaps God has kept me single so that I would realize this and understand that that was too much of a burden to bring into any sort of relationship, a load of unrealistic expectations which would've crushed any soul.

As imperfect as I am when it comes to being patient indefinitely, it's a horse which must be tamed sometime, and the only way I've discovered that lightens my anxiety is to just say, Lord God, I'm awful at this, please help me to understand what you are trying to show me through this time of waiting." Sometimes the answer hits me, just like BAM! And then there are those circumstances when I don't understand until much later. But in hindsight, I can see what he has done for me, and I can only love him the more for guiding me in all that happens.

And of course, what could be better than a little Charles Spurgeon on the matter? ;)

"We know that all things work together for good to them that love God."

"Upon some points a believer is absolutely sure. He knows, for instance, that God sits in the stern of the vessel when it rocks most. He believes that an invisible hand is always on the world's tiller, and that wherever providence may drift, Jehovah steers it. That reassuring knowledge prepares him for everything. He looks over the raging waters and sees the spirit of Jesus treading the billows, and he hears a voice saying, 'It is I, do not be afraid'. He knows too that God is always wise, and, knowing this, he is confident that there can be no accidents, no mistakes; that nothing can occur which ought not to arise. He can say, 'If I should lose all I have, it is better that I should lose than have, if God so wills: the worst calamity is the wisest and the kindest thing that could befall to me if God ordains it.' 'We know that all things work together for good to them that love God.' The Christian does no merely hold this as a theory, but he knows it as a matter of fact. Everthing has worked for good as yet; the poisonous drugs mixed in fit proportions have worked the cure; the sharp cuts of the lancet have cleansed out the proud flesh and facilitated the healing. Every event as yet has worked out the most divinely blessed results; and so, believing that God rules all, that He governs wisely, that He brings good out of evil, the believer's heart is assured, and he is enabled calmly to meet each trial as it comes. The believer can in the spirit of true resignation pray, 'Send me what thou wilt, my God, so long as it comes from Thee; never came there an ill portion from Thy table to any of Thy children'.
'Say not my soul, "From whence can God relieve my care?"
Remember that Omnipotence has servants everywhere.
His method is sublime, His heart profoundly kind, God never is before His time, and never is behind'."

I'm not exactly sure how I jumped from the first story I started with to this... draw your own conclusions, maybe you'll find something I've missed. I worry about this upcoming year, about testing for SAT/ACT stuff (I'm not sure what I'm taking)and about the prospect of college. This entire summer my heart's been looking forward to senior year, but I don't want to move on to college. It is a status thing, I think, if you press on through and finish your education, you can have your degree and "have a life." But at this point in my life, that's not what I want to pursue. I've heard every option there is out there... "take a year off before going" "do two years, and summer school and night classes, then you'd finish early" "go two years, take a year off, then get back to the grind for the last two." I feel called to the mission field, in whatever capacity, but the thought intimidates me. I fear I wouldn't know what to say, but then I remember how God likes it when I admit that my own ability is thwarted, and that I have to depend solely on his grace to get me through the day. Then I fear being disliked. And then what if I'm not needed? I fear not feeling safe, being with a group of strangers and ignored. But am I doubting my Lord's wisdom? If I am to go, the door will open, and I will know. Praise be to God, for he is good beyond all.