"Why is everyone telling me 'I love you', are they in love with me or something?"
A round of laughter accompanied Cara's exasperated statement as she tried to explain to us that she felt weird whenever people told her they loved her.
Why is that? Have we really used the phrase so much that the meaning has been skewed, that we don't really know how to interpret it? There's romantic love, friend love, puppy love... and Agape love.
Love. Ugh, whenever I hear that word by itself, or see it, it makes me recoil inside. Mental images of hearts, heart-shaped balloons, cheesy chick flicks, and romantic couples crowd my mind, along with some roses, heart-shaped chocolates and little naked angels. Love... I don't get it. There are too many dimensions, too many facets to just take it at "I love you," and move on.
I made a funny statement which I didn't intend to come out the way it did, and the response I received was, "Oh, Lesley, I love you."
Another friend apologized for making a boo-boo in our friendship and ended his speech with, "I love you."
I had a sleepover with one of my friends and before we fell asleep, we exchanged that same phrase... "Good night, I love you."
I was completely exhausted, and I cried to the Lord, "Why don't I have someone to love me, God?" and He said, "I love you."
Friday morning, the last day of our mission trip, I heard that word again... love. But this was different, a new look at something I thought I'd heard all about already. Agape love. What? What's that?
This is the love the Father gave His children. It's not necessarily a romantic love, it's definitely not used flippantly, and it's all-enduring. It's the kind of love we receive from Christ to channel to others. We aren't supposed to store it inside like a dam. This love is 1)not quick to be angry at those who wrong us, 2)it casts out fears, and 3)it forgives the wrongs which have been committed. This love loves even when it doesn't like. Here's a good example, since it's fresh on my mind.
This week, I felt insulted by one of my close friends. It seemed as though he didn't approve of me, as if I was doing it all wrong and I shouldn't even strive to achieve an end. Instantaneous shock turned into hurt, which fermented and stirred anger within me. I didn't talk to him for two days, and though I felt belittled and inadequate, I still loved him, deep down. This had to be some form of love outside of myself, because if it were only me, I still wouldn't be communicating with him. As it is, God granted me just enough patience to endure a talk-out so my friend and I could make amends. It wasn't a romantic love, it wasn't a puppy love... it was something else.
In the mini-sermon that Friday morning, the pastor said something which stuck in my head... he'd been a counselor for young couples preparing to get married, and he'd ask them this question, "Why do you think you want to get married?" some would answer, "Well, because we're in love," and he'd shake his head and say that that was not a good enough reason for marriage. Once the infatuation is diminished, you both see each other's flaws, and put up with their habits, what is your foundation if it only started out as, "We're in love"? The only acceptable answer to that question, he said, was "Because God has joined us together." In that way, God is the foundation, not emotions. I had heard the phrase, "a cord of three strands is not easily broken," and always applied it to this concept, but I like the way this one guy puts it when explaining Ecclesiastes 4:8-12 (from http://members.becon.org/~gprins/i/rope.html)
"Yes, a three-strand rope is not easily broken. Ecclesiastes 4:8-12 has an interesting perspective on this subject. It throws out numbers such as one man, always alone, works and toils senselessly. It is hard for him to keep warm by himself. On the other hand, two are better than one, for they have a good return to their work. If one falls down, his friend can pick him up. Two can keep warm when they lie down and two can defend one another. Finally, in verse 12, it ends with "a cord of three strands is not quickly broken."
So we ask, "What is the third link in all of this?" I propose to you that the third missing ingredient is God himself. We need God to fuse our relationship as we work and toil in this life. Yes, we need each other, but if God is not present in the formula, the strength of our rope is not there. That verse also says that God does not easily wish to break from us either. It is not up to us to try and keep Him in our three-strand rope."
It's an interesting little note the guy wrote, if you care to look it up and read the rest, but I felt that this part is really what I wanted to present. I don't think I need to explain anymore...
Just to let you know, I don't have this down, I'm not good at loving with a love like Christ had, I'm so... human. I get mad, I accuse myself as guilty of angry thoughts, but God is hard at work changing my outlook, my perspective, to match His. It's an awesome experience, if you're willing to let tears fall, give up everything you think you control (job security, relationships, finances..) and listen to what He tells you to do (still working on that...).
I never know what makes sense when I write... I just get it out there, share my thoughts, and see what God does with it. Thanks to those who have taken the time out of their day to read what I have to say, and for writing me to tell me your thoughts, struggles, your perspectives... I love you :)
Thursday, June 26, 2008
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
Accepted
"In fact, sometimes what seems like rejection from our perspective is God's way of protecting us from a situation that was never quite as dazzling as it seemed in the first place." -Natalie Lloyd, Brio&Beyond
How many times I have just wanted to scream, just break down and cry because of the ugly feeling of being rejected. Not necessarily just in guy/girl relationships, but in circumstances such as all my friends getting together for a party and I wasn't invited, or joining a new church and being scrutinized and avoided, etc. So many times, in so many ways, I've wanted something so badly, just a smile or a touch, a word of encouragement, and I'm met with the opposite. I've felt rejected, unwanted, awkward, misplaced.
"Lesley, dad and I have discussed the matter and it looks like we're going to move."
I remember those words slamming me like an invisible punch to my stomach. Where one minute I had been putting clothes on hangers in the closet, the next I was sinking into the floor, crying and protesting against this, it couldn't happen. I'd built my life around the people there, it's what I understood, it had been my life for the past four years. Naturally I had risen to a place of leadership among my friends. As the oldest I sort of led my little pack... and I had to give it up? Moving meant a new house, a new church, new friends and a new life, a clean slate and starting all over again. I hated moving.
It didn't help me much when we finally did pack up and move out that hardly anyone spoke to me. We arrived here in April. I made one friend down the street, and that was it. The girls at church turned up their noses at me, whenever they hung out with me, I learned it was due to parental urging. For almost five months, I barricaded myself in my room, it was my sanctuary, the one place I felt truly accepted. I read the entire set of Lord of the Rings in under a month. I don't think I've ever read so much in one summer before or since.
Fall came, and with it, new friends at school. Socially deprived for so long, I clung to my new friendships as eighth grade progressed. Ninth grade broke those frienships, and the summer after I made new ones, then those were estranged from me after tenth grade because they graduated and went away. I picked up with another girl my junior year, and then she graduated. Which brings me to now, where I know everyone, and yet hardly anyone. After losing friends, being betrayed, and left to drift time and again, I didn't want to trust. I can confidently say that out of the hundred-plus people I see every week, two or three may actually know what I'm about. You know the phrase "don't put all you eggs in one basket?" Yeah, that's me with my information.
As much as I hate being rejected, it's been my task to be the rejector in certain circumstances. I feel about as awful rejecting someone as I do being rejected.
One humorous incident in Mexico was a conversation I had in broken English with a young father at one of the VBS nights. At first I didn't know what to expect... but it seemed that he was only curious about the group, where we came from, how long we would be staying, when would we be back? When I explained that we'd finish up the week, and not be back for another year, he looked disappointed. Then he wanted to know about me, and I figured I'd humor him and answer his questions.
"Where you from?"
"Tennessee, a long way away."
"How long you drive from Tennessee?"
"About 20 hours."
"No! Twenty?"
shaking of head, then a pause as he watched the children making crafts.
"You boyfriend in Tennessee?"
I remember giggling at the thought, then saying, "No, no boyfriend."
"No?! ...Why?"
"Because I don't, I did not want any."
Which in a way was the truth... but still, his question struck a nerve. Sort of like an old scar which was pricked with a needle. "No, I was rejected, and I rejected them," is what I felt like saying, it would've been the truth, but I didn't want to get into that.
"Well, you are very beautiful, boy will be lucky."
And then he left with his young son.
It's not like I'm opposed to dating like some people I know, God has just never given me the green light. Looking back on it now, I can see how having a relationship in my life would've been a bad idea. God was hardly existent in my life, I was living in the moment, in my emotions, and if I'd had a boyfriend... Lord have mercy, and I'm not kidding.
So while I still go through bouts of loneliness, it's never as severe as it was before I found God again. He is my first love, my life raft in this ocean, and all I have to do is cling to Him. I love Him, I thank Him for my life, for taking an interest in my life, for allowing himself to be flogged and hung on a tree, just so I can come to Him in prayer and spend time with Him. Wow. This guy, this strong, understanding, selfless being, will do anything for me, to demonstrate His love, so that I may never be rejected, but always loved.
How many times I have just wanted to scream, just break down and cry because of the ugly feeling of being rejected. Not necessarily just in guy/girl relationships, but in circumstances such as all my friends getting together for a party and I wasn't invited, or joining a new church and being scrutinized and avoided, etc. So many times, in so many ways, I've wanted something so badly, just a smile or a touch, a word of encouragement, and I'm met with the opposite. I've felt rejected, unwanted, awkward, misplaced.
"Lesley, dad and I have discussed the matter and it looks like we're going to move."
I remember those words slamming me like an invisible punch to my stomach. Where one minute I had been putting clothes on hangers in the closet, the next I was sinking into the floor, crying and protesting against this, it couldn't happen. I'd built my life around the people there, it's what I understood, it had been my life for the past four years. Naturally I had risen to a place of leadership among my friends. As the oldest I sort of led my little pack... and I had to give it up? Moving meant a new house, a new church, new friends and a new life, a clean slate and starting all over again. I hated moving.
It didn't help me much when we finally did pack up and move out that hardly anyone spoke to me. We arrived here in April. I made one friend down the street, and that was it. The girls at church turned up their noses at me, whenever they hung out with me, I learned it was due to parental urging. For almost five months, I barricaded myself in my room, it was my sanctuary, the one place I felt truly accepted. I read the entire set of Lord of the Rings in under a month. I don't think I've ever read so much in one summer before or since.
Fall came, and with it, new friends at school. Socially deprived for so long, I clung to my new friendships as eighth grade progressed. Ninth grade broke those frienships, and the summer after I made new ones, then those were estranged from me after tenth grade because they graduated and went away. I picked up with another girl my junior year, and then she graduated. Which brings me to now, where I know everyone, and yet hardly anyone. After losing friends, being betrayed, and left to drift time and again, I didn't want to trust. I can confidently say that out of the hundred-plus people I see every week, two or three may actually know what I'm about. You know the phrase "don't put all you eggs in one basket?" Yeah, that's me with my information.
As much as I hate being rejected, it's been my task to be the rejector in certain circumstances. I feel about as awful rejecting someone as I do being rejected.
One humorous incident in Mexico was a conversation I had in broken English with a young father at one of the VBS nights. At first I didn't know what to expect... but it seemed that he was only curious about the group, where we came from, how long we would be staying, when would we be back? When I explained that we'd finish up the week, and not be back for another year, he looked disappointed. Then he wanted to know about me, and I figured I'd humor him and answer his questions.
"Where you from?"
"Tennessee, a long way away."
"How long you drive from Tennessee?"
"About 20 hours."
"No! Twenty?"
shaking of head, then a pause as he watched the children making crafts.
"You boyfriend in Tennessee?"
I remember giggling at the thought, then saying, "No, no boyfriend."
"No?! ...Why?"
"Because I don't, I did not want any."
Which in a way was the truth... but still, his question struck a nerve. Sort of like an old scar which was pricked with a needle. "No, I was rejected, and I rejected them," is what I felt like saying, it would've been the truth, but I didn't want to get into that.
"Well, you are very beautiful, boy will be lucky."
And then he left with his young son.
It's not like I'm opposed to dating like some people I know, God has just never given me the green light. Looking back on it now, I can see how having a relationship in my life would've been a bad idea. God was hardly existent in my life, I was living in the moment, in my emotions, and if I'd had a boyfriend... Lord have mercy, and I'm not kidding.
So while I still go through bouts of loneliness, it's never as severe as it was before I found God again. He is my first love, my life raft in this ocean, and all I have to do is cling to Him. I love Him, I thank Him for my life, for taking an interest in my life, for allowing himself to be flogged and hung on a tree, just so I can come to Him in prayer and spend time with Him. Wow. This guy, this strong, understanding, selfless being, will do anything for me, to demonstrate His love, so that I may never be rejected, but always loved.
A respite from the elements
"I've got a pocket full of sunshine, I got a love and I know that it's all mine, take me away, a secret place, a sweet escape, take me away to better days."
This morning I woke up after having an odd dream, and I haven't had a dream in weeks. I was lying in a comfortable tent in Arabia or somewhere like that, thick velvet curtains, gold tassels, plush pillows, all in that red, violet, and gold theme.
Everything was beautiful, nothing seemed to be lacking in any way of comfort, but at the same time, it was peaceful. I sensed the presence of others from where I lay on the pillow bedding, but saw no one.
Upon realizing that I'd fallen asleep, adrenaline rushed through me and I stood violently. Fear seized me as I vaguely remembered being outside, working, and now I was being idle on a couch? "I need to get back, I need to go" were part of the incoherent thoughts racing through my mind.
Scanning my surroundings, I saw the exit, and through the parted curtains lay the expanse of the desert. Quick as an arrow, I dashed for the sunlight, but halfway there, a voice called to me.
"Where are you going?"
I didn't feel the need to answer, almost as if I knew he could read my thoughts anyway. But it stopped me all the same. I knew there must've been a physical presence where the voice had come from - sort of to the left and behind me - but I didn't look.
I thought long and hard, rooted to the spot, and heard the unspoken word, "rest" reverberate throught the stillness.
If there was more to the dream, I don't remember it, yet this was so powerful, that when I did awaken in reality, I didn't brush it off as a nonsensical imaginary occurrance.
Immediately, I understood what it meant - I go, go, go, never resting, always trying to do something of worth in "the desert", that when I finally do collapse, it's because God's trying to say, "Hey, you need to stop, to rest and let me be God." I can try to improve my spiritual walk out there under the blistering sun, to do something that looks good, but is it?
Hey, I know! I can build sandcastles, those are pretty, and while I'm hard at work, everyone will think I'm doing something impressive. (Now, I don't know how many of you have tried to make turrets and moats at the beach before, but if you have, you know it's not possible to shape anything without water.) I could try building the first turret of respect for authority and obedience, then I could have the gate of love with which I could welcome everyone who came to me, then the next turret could be prayer and my daily Bible readings. This should be great!
.....8 days later.
I know I can do it, it's almost done! See, if I cup my hands like this, and blow a little like that, oh hang on.
......13 days later.
Almost... got it... just a little more... oops
21 days later.
I can't! There's no way I can do this, it won't shape up, it doesn't look good at all. *breaks down and cries*
It's after this, after I've come to the end of myself that I can see that I've been building it wrong the whole time. The entire foundation was a mess, because I didn't have one. I said, "Hey Lord, thanks for all your help before, but I think I'm going to go try this over here and I'll ask you when I need you again, okay?" But little did I even think that it was HE who would be the foundation, that HE would hold me up if I would just ask. It didn't even occur to me that it was HIS grace which acted as the water to hold my castle together. And that I wouldn't be able to last with one dose of grace either, but had to keep coming back for refreshment from the elements.
The elements in Mexico tried me. Dust coated my teeth as the heat worked to make me feint, but the Lord was with me and gave me the strength to go forward. I knew way before going on the trip that my body doesn't respond well to heat, that I overheat and become dizzy and nauseous. And I did. Every day one of those ailments would assail me. I felt like whining, like sitting out and bemoaning my fragility. Leaders urged me, forcing me to get up and out the door and over the border. It was one of these leaders who came to me on an especially awful morning and he said to me something along the lines of how I should learn to lean on God's strength and to quit focusing on how I didn't feel well or how I couldn't get up. I was embarrassed at my condition, how my face was streaked with tears, how I could feel everyone's eyes on me even though it was during worship, and how my head and stomach just couldn't agree.
The Lord broke me, many, many times this past week, broke me to show me who He is and how much I NEED Him. He is a necessity, not only someone who's there to help if you're in doo-doo again.
And in the dream, when I thought about running back outside to pick up what I'd left off, He called me. He asked me, "Where are you going?" Did I really intend to leave Him again, after He'd brought me back to Him into His tent with everything I'd need and more? What did I think the desert had that I could benefit from?
Rest. Rest is what I needed, and to rest was what He wanted me to do. To just relax in His presence, to talk to Him, to receive my sustenance from His table.
"I am come into my garden, my sister, my spouse." Song of Solomon 5:1
"A garden is a place of retirement. So the Lord Jesus Christ would have us reserve our souls as a place in which He can manifest Himself, as he doth not unto the world." C.H. Spurgeon
Yes Lord, I can hear now. Thank you for rest, for love, and for grace when I run back into the desert to try to do it on my own time after time.
This morning I woke up after having an odd dream, and I haven't had a dream in weeks. I was lying in a comfortable tent in Arabia or somewhere like that, thick velvet curtains, gold tassels, plush pillows, all in that red, violet, and gold theme.
Everything was beautiful, nothing seemed to be lacking in any way of comfort, but at the same time, it was peaceful. I sensed the presence of others from where I lay on the pillow bedding, but saw no one.
Upon realizing that I'd fallen asleep, adrenaline rushed through me and I stood violently. Fear seized me as I vaguely remembered being outside, working, and now I was being idle on a couch? "I need to get back, I need to go" were part of the incoherent thoughts racing through my mind.
Scanning my surroundings, I saw the exit, and through the parted curtains lay the expanse of the desert. Quick as an arrow, I dashed for the sunlight, but halfway there, a voice called to me.
"Where are you going?"
I didn't feel the need to answer, almost as if I knew he could read my thoughts anyway. But it stopped me all the same. I knew there must've been a physical presence where the voice had come from - sort of to the left and behind me - but I didn't look.
I thought long and hard, rooted to the spot, and heard the unspoken word, "rest" reverberate throught the stillness.
If there was more to the dream, I don't remember it, yet this was so powerful, that when I did awaken in reality, I didn't brush it off as a nonsensical imaginary occurrance.
Immediately, I understood what it meant - I go, go, go, never resting, always trying to do something of worth in "the desert", that when I finally do collapse, it's because God's trying to say, "Hey, you need to stop, to rest and let me be God." I can try to improve my spiritual walk out there under the blistering sun, to do something that looks good, but is it?
Hey, I know! I can build sandcastles, those are pretty, and while I'm hard at work, everyone will think I'm doing something impressive. (Now, I don't know how many of you have tried to make turrets and moats at the beach before, but if you have, you know it's not possible to shape anything without water.) I could try building the first turret of respect for authority and obedience, then I could have the gate of love with which I could welcome everyone who came to me, then the next turret could be prayer and my daily Bible readings. This should be great!
.....8 days later.
I know I can do it, it's almost done! See, if I cup my hands like this, and blow a little like that, oh hang on.
......13 days later.
Almost... got it... just a little more... oops
21 days later.
I can't! There's no way I can do this, it won't shape up, it doesn't look good at all. *breaks down and cries*
It's after this, after I've come to the end of myself that I can see that I've been building it wrong the whole time. The entire foundation was a mess, because I didn't have one. I said, "Hey Lord, thanks for all your help before, but I think I'm going to go try this over here and I'll ask you when I need you again, okay?" But little did I even think that it was HE who would be the foundation, that HE would hold me up if I would just ask. It didn't even occur to me that it was HIS grace which acted as the water to hold my castle together. And that I wouldn't be able to last with one dose of grace either, but had to keep coming back for refreshment from the elements.
The elements in Mexico tried me. Dust coated my teeth as the heat worked to make me feint, but the Lord was with me and gave me the strength to go forward. I knew way before going on the trip that my body doesn't respond well to heat, that I overheat and become dizzy and nauseous. And I did. Every day one of those ailments would assail me. I felt like whining, like sitting out and bemoaning my fragility. Leaders urged me, forcing me to get up and out the door and over the border. It was one of these leaders who came to me on an especially awful morning and he said to me something along the lines of how I should learn to lean on God's strength and to quit focusing on how I didn't feel well or how I couldn't get up. I was embarrassed at my condition, how my face was streaked with tears, how I could feel everyone's eyes on me even though it was during worship, and how my head and stomach just couldn't agree.
The Lord broke me, many, many times this past week, broke me to show me who He is and how much I NEED Him. He is a necessity, not only someone who's there to help if you're in doo-doo again.
And in the dream, when I thought about running back outside to pick up what I'd left off, He called me. He asked me, "Where are you going?" Did I really intend to leave Him again, after He'd brought me back to Him into His tent with everything I'd need and more? What did I think the desert had that I could benefit from?
Rest. Rest is what I needed, and to rest was what He wanted me to do. To just relax in His presence, to talk to Him, to receive my sustenance from His table.
"I am come into my garden, my sister, my spouse." Song of Solomon 5:1
"A garden is a place of retirement. So the Lord Jesus Christ would have us reserve our souls as a place in which He can manifest Himself, as he doth not unto the world." C.H. Spurgeon
Yes Lord, I can hear now. Thank you for rest, for love, and for grace when I run back into the desert to try to do it on my own time after time.
Wednesday, June 11, 2008
You think so?
One upon another, building blocks are stacked, first one, then another, and another, and so on. My brother has these legos, and whenever he starts a project, he begins with the foundation and builds to the top, to the climax, the finished product.
First block: questions such as, "How can you tell if someone is a Christian?" Answer: by their fruit.
Pretty simple, right? Wrong.
Second block: beneath the surface. I'll take an excerpt from "Growing Up Christian" by Karl Graustein -
"Robert was the kind of next-door neighbor every suburban family wants. Friends and neighbors described him as a patriot, quiet, and professional family man. His reputation in the community was exemplary. [....] He was also a man of character and conviction; for three years he'd served on the Chicago police force, weeding out crooked cops. After that, he'd gone on to work in government law enforcement, landing a job at the state department in Washington D.C. [....] Robert's deep religious convictions left an impression on his coworkers and neighbors. He was a devoted member of the Catholic church, as well as a conservative organization within the church called Opus Dei. At times he boldly extended his convictions into the workplace, challenging coworkers regarding what he believed were sinful behaviors. If you walked past his comfortable brick home on any given Sunday, you would see him loading his wife and six kids into their modest van. [....] Another (neighbor) said, 'The kids are great kids - well-educated, polite, nice kids. It's just a great family.'
"Then the bombshell dropped. On February 18, 2001, neighbors awoke to see crime-scene tap surrounding Robert's home. Curiosity gave way to shock and horror as the story unfolded. Instead of celebrating his retirement in five weeks, this quiet, reserved father of six would be facing trial for treason. Robert Hanssen was a spy for Russia."
To round things out, Robert Hanssen had, over twenty years, sold over 6,000 pages of classified documents to the Soviets (Russians), documents coming from the FBI, CIA, the White House, the Pentagon and the National Security Agency.
Someone, who outwardly exhibited "Christian" behavior - ministering to coworkers, attending mass, successfully doing his duty weeding out bad cops - someone like that... failed. The facade, the face he had put on for TWENTY years, and no one knew any differently. Though his fruit may have appeared good, inside, it was rotten.
Third block, motives: Why do we do good things? To be seen by others so they may think better of us? To make ourselves feel less guilty and more "acceptable" to God/man/whomever?
"These people honor me with their lips, but their hearts are far from me." Matt 15:8
We've heard that before, those of us who've spent our childhoods going to Sunday school, been roused by parents to 'get up and be ready for church'. But how many times do words fall on deaf ears? How many of us don't even hear the words as we watch the pastor in the pulpit and think about what movie we want to see, or our crushes, or how it might be possible to fix a relationship, or how our backs hurt on the wooden pews? I declare myself guilty!
"Back home church services had all but anesthetized me; I had become wonderously adept at dialing my mind to "off" for every word that the minister said and all that went on in church serices, and to "on" for whatever was more interesting to ponder. Already my brush with raw life in the mountains had blown away much fog. Either this Christianity was true - or it was not." (Catherine Marshall's, Christy)
How many times I've been guilty of this, of pretending to listen, or pretending to care, or going along with "Christianese" - as Marko calls it - and never really take it to heart, or care to learn what it means. Guess I'm in need of a heart transplant.
The night I opened "Growing Up Christian", I didn't know what I was in for. I found the book lying in my dad's office, took a peek inside, and whisked it away to my bedroom where I could read in depth. Unlike most study questions, I actually fully answered these in my head, being completely honest, perhaps for the first time in my life.
Why do you pray?
Why do you read your Bible?
Why do you go to church?
Why do you do good works?
Why do you acknowledge sin in you life?
Do you talk about God with your friends?
Do you enjoy spending time with true Christians?
Do you desire to serve others?
Shamefully, I found myself lacking, short of anything I had expected or hoped for. I saw positives and negatives in the answers I gave to the questions, but the negatives stuck out like an ugly reminder that I couldn't ace this test. Before, when I thought of myself, I had thought, "Yeah, that was good of me," or "I haven't done _______ today! I must be improving." Hah. "For I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh. For I have the desire to do what is right, but not the ability to carry it out." -Romans 7:18
I tried to do things on my own, to be good, to do what was right, but I am now thoroughly assured that I'm worse than I ever had seen before. But it was at that moment, when I saw how I'd failed, when I broke down and cried out to God saying, "Lord, how do I know I'm saved? Am I saved? I want to please You, to make something good, but I can't. How do I know, Lord, how? Am I a Christian, or have I been pretending? Is it just because of the environment I'm in that I can't tell the difference between what is real and what's just what I've grown up with? Lord, please show me!"
With damp eyes and a crumbled spirit, I returned to the lesson. "I know church kids who feel guilty if they do not pray and read their Bibles every day or if they miss a youth meeting. They are the type of church kids who also tend to question their salvation even though they are true Christians. Scripture is clear that if this description fits you, you can have assurance of your salvation. If you are a genuine believer who trusts in Christ and can identify clear, godly fruit in your life, you should praise God and rest confidently in the great work he initiated in your heart."
There I sat, in the middle of a pile of clean laundry, leaning against the foot of my bed, my eyes spilling over with fresh tears of happiness. From hopelessness to gratefulness, from being disgustingly self-righteous, to being humbled. The comparison was striking, as I saw the damage my blind self-rightness had caused. How could I continue to treat people the way I did and claim that "I'm better" or "I don't associate with people like that." God doesn't make the separation, how can I? Jews and Gentiles. Churchy kids and drug addicts. Academically smart people and those who aren't.
Who gave you the right to decide who is worthy?
It is an ever-present danger when we are lulled into a false sense of security, believing we are saved when in actuality we aren't. What do you think it is? Are your parents believers, thus you must be too? Wrong. Do you do good things for people, hoping God will see that you are a good person? Wrong again. Do you know how long it took for me to get that? I'll tell you: I knew it my entire life... I just didn't try to understand and apply it until this year.
"It is a good thing to eat your breakfast, but it is not good of you to do it. The thing is good, not you." -The Princess and Curdie
The same applies to the walk we as Christians must take. We may give to charities, plant churches, go on missions trips, tithe, etc., all of which are good things, but if our hearts aren't in the right place, then it is all for nothing. Nothing. Our righteousness is as filthy rags to God. (Isaiah 64:6) He will have nothing to do with us trying to be perfect on our own, it's either through him, or not at all.
Something to leave you with, to ponder and to pray about with fervor, because we easily fall offsides and miss the goal...
"Examine yourselves to see whether you are in the faith; test yourselves. Do you not realize that Christ Jesus is in you - unless, of course, you fail the test?" -2 Cor. 13:5-6
First block: questions such as, "How can you tell if someone is a Christian?" Answer: by their fruit.
Pretty simple, right? Wrong.
Second block: beneath the surface. I'll take an excerpt from "Growing Up Christian" by Karl Graustein -
"Robert was the kind of next-door neighbor every suburban family wants. Friends and neighbors described him as a patriot, quiet, and professional family man. His reputation in the community was exemplary. [....] He was also a man of character and conviction; for three years he'd served on the Chicago police force, weeding out crooked cops. After that, he'd gone on to work in government law enforcement, landing a job at the state department in Washington D.C. [....] Robert's deep religious convictions left an impression on his coworkers and neighbors. He was a devoted member of the Catholic church, as well as a conservative organization within the church called Opus Dei. At times he boldly extended his convictions into the workplace, challenging coworkers regarding what he believed were sinful behaviors. If you walked past his comfortable brick home on any given Sunday, you would see him loading his wife and six kids into their modest van. [....] Another (neighbor) said, 'The kids are great kids - well-educated, polite, nice kids. It's just a great family.'
"Then the bombshell dropped. On February 18, 2001, neighbors awoke to see crime-scene tap surrounding Robert's home. Curiosity gave way to shock and horror as the story unfolded. Instead of celebrating his retirement in five weeks, this quiet, reserved father of six would be facing trial for treason. Robert Hanssen was a spy for Russia."
To round things out, Robert Hanssen had, over twenty years, sold over 6,000 pages of classified documents to the Soviets (Russians), documents coming from the FBI, CIA, the White House, the Pentagon and the National Security Agency.
Someone, who outwardly exhibited "Christian" behavior - ministering to coworkers, attending mass, successfully doing his duty weeding out bad cops - someone like that... failed. The facade, the face he had put on for TWENTY years, and no one knew any differently. Though his fruit may have appeared good, inside, it was rotten.
Third block, motives: Why do we do good things? To be seen by others so they may think better of us? To make ourselves feel less guilty and more "acceptable" to God/man/whomever?
"These people honor me with their lips, but their hearts are far from me." Matt 15:8
We've heard that before, those of us who've spent our childhoods going to Sunday school, been roused by parents to 'get up and be ready for church'. But how many times do words fall on deaf ears? How many of us don't even hear the words as we watch the pastor in the pulpit and think about what movie we want to see, or our crushes, or how it might be possible to fix a relationship, or how our backs hurt on the wooden pews? I declare myself guilty!
"Back home church services had all but anesthetized me; I had become wonderously adept at dialing my mind to "off" for every word that the minister said and all that went on in church serices, and to "on" for whatever was more interesting to ponder. Already my brush with raw life in the mountains had blown away much fog. Either this Christianity was true - or it was not." (Catherine Marshall's, Christy)
How many times I've been guilty of this, of pretending to listen, or pretending to care, or going along with "Christianese" - as Marko calls it - and never really take it to heart, or care to learn what it means. Guess I'm in need of a heart transplant.
The night I opened "Growing Up Christian", I didn't know what I was in for. I found the book lying in my dad's office, took a peek inside, and whisked it away to my bedroom where I could read in depth. Unlike most study questions, I actually fully answered these in my head, being completely honest, perhaps for the first time in my life.
Why do you pray?
Why do you read your Bible?
Why do you go to church?
Why do you do good works?
Why do you acknowledge sin in you life?
Do you talk about God with your friends?
Do you enjoy spending time with true Christians?
Do you desire to serve others?
Shamefully, I found myself lacking, short of anything I had expected or hoped for. I saw positives and negatives in the answers I gave to the questions, but the negatives stuck out like an ugly reminder that I couldn't ace this test. Before, when I thought of myself, I had thought, "Yeah, that was good of me," or "I haven't done _______ today! I must be improving." Hah. "For I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh. For I have the desire to do what is right, but not the ability to carry it out." -Romans 7:18
I tried to do things on my own, to be good, to do what was right, but I am now thoroughly assured that I'm worse than I ever had seen before. But it was at that moment, when I saw how I'd failed, when I broke down and cried out to God saying, "Lord, how do I know I'm saved? Am I saved? I want to please You, to make something good, but I can't. How do I know, Lord, how? Am I a Christian, or have I been pretending? Is it just because of the environment I'm in that I can't tell the difference between what is real and what's just what I've grown up with? Lord, please show me!"
With damp eyes and a crumbled spirit, I returned to the lesson. "I know church kids who feel guilty if they do not pray and read their Bibles every day or if they miss a youth meeting. They are the type of church kids who also tend to question their salvation even though they are true Christians. Scripture is clear that if this description fits you, you can have assurance of your salvation. If you are a genuine believer who trusts in Christ and can identify clear, godly fruit in your life, you should praise God and rest confidently in the great work he initiated in your heart."
There I sat, in the middle of a pile of clean laundry, leaning against the foot of my bed, my eyes spilling over with fresh tears of happiness. From hopelessness to gratefulness, from being disgustingly self-righteous, to being humbled. The comparison was striking, as I saw the damage my blind self-rightness had caused. How could I continue to treat people the way I did and claim that "I'm better" or "I don't associate with people like that." God doesn't make the separation, how can I? Jews and Gentiles. Churchy kids and drug addicts. Academically smart people and those who aren't.
Who gave you the right to decide who is worthy?
It is an ever-present danger when we are lulled into a false sense of security, believing we are saved when in actuality we aren't. What do you think it is? Are your parents believers, thus you must be too? Wrong. Do you do good things for people, hoping God will see that you are a good person? Wrong again. Do you know how long it took for me to get that? I'll tell you: I knew it my entire life... I just didn't try to understand and apply it until this year.
"It is a good thing to eat your breakfast, but it is not good of you to do it. The thing is good, not you." -The Princess and Curdie
The same applies to the walk we as Christians must take. We may give to charities, plant churches, go on missions trips, tithe, etc., all of which are good things, but if our hearts aren't in the right place, then it is all for nothing. Nothing. Our righteousness is as filthy rags to God. (Isaiah 64:6) He will have nothing to do with us trying to be perfect on our own, it's either through him, or not at all.
Something to leave you with, to ponder and to pray about with fervor, because we easily fall offsides and miss the goal...
"Examine yourselves to see whether you are in the faith; test yourselves. Do you not realize that Christ Jesus is in you - unless, of course, you fail the test?" -2 Cor. 13:5-6
Monday, June 2, 2008
Two Questions
"Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer; but then come together again, so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control." - 1 Cor. 7:5
"Now as a concession, not a command, I say this. I wish that all were as I myself am. But each has his own gift from God, one of one kind and one of another.
To the unmarried and the widows I say that it is good for them to remain single, as I am. But if they cannot excercise self-control, they should marry. For it is better to marry than to be aflame with passion." - 1 Cor. 7:6-9
In one paragraph, in one section of one book in the entire Bible, I found answers to two thoughts which had been burning in my mind. I may have wondered about them before, but only recently have I tried to think it through more thoroughly, with varying results.
The first point I found best explained in the footnotes of my study Bible... "These are remarkable verses in that they reveal veiwpoints that appear to be far ahead of their time: a healthy perception of the woman's sexuality, and an understanding of the complete equality that exists between a man and a woman in the most intimate area of their relationship. The Scripture gives no support whatever to the notion that sexual relations are solely at the direction and for the enjoyment of the husband. The apostle allows for temporary abstention from sex (in a way similar to fasting) but he does not allow protracted abstinence. God requires sexual union as part of marriage [...] spouses may - but need not - deprive each other for a short period and for a specific reason. There are certain advantages for the work of the kingdom in remaining unmarried, and so Paul personally can wish that every believer would give his or her life exclusively to the advance of the gospel. But the apostle realizes that such a situation is not possible for everyone and would only lead many Christians into sexual temptation."
I'll stop there. These were my two questions: 1)I want to go into missionary work with my husband, but what if say I become pregnant or something and have to return to the States? Would I take him back with me, or would that be selfish? and 2)Am I created this way, or is it culturally induced to want someone, for me to want a partner in a marriage relationship?
1)It is apparent in Paul's writing that he wishes everyone would stay single like himself and go out into the world and preach salvation to the lost, but he understands not everyone is like him and that God desires different people for different tasks. Thus, if I had to separate from my husband, which I really wouldn't like, but might have to under extenuating circumstances, the words, "Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer," are a sort of comfort. There will be times when absence will be necessary, and it will be necessary for them to act singly in the work God has set apart for the time when married couples cannot be with each other. But it was interesting for me to notice how the equality works between the man and the wife in agreeing when to practice abstinence, and to do so with the understanding that it shouldn't be long.
2)This one makes me rather ashamed, actually. As a little girl I always dreamt of my wedding, what would the bridesmaids wear, what my groom would be like... but at the time, how could I have realized that a relationship would be so fundamentally important to me? It is my life drive, the reason I'm still here. The relationship with my heavenly Father took longer in coming than I would've wished, but I was running. I was looking for love in all the wrong places, for happiness in sordid corners, and I always came back empty and more defeated than I started. Winter has always been a dark time for me, as I tend to stew on the coldness and the unwantedness in my life and wish for a resting place. I wanted to throw in the towel, to just give up everything on earth and go home to my Father. The image in my head nagged me though... what if I did commit suicide, intent on going to heaven, and then having God look at me and say, "Did you not believe me when I told you I had plans for you? Why are you here?" The Lord was my helping hand, or rather, he carried me close, so I could smell Him, listen to His words, and be wrapped up in His presence. Without Him... I don't think I'd be here writing this, honestly. And though it was a source of embarrassment, I had ended up posting something online about feeling suicidal, and of all the notes... that got the most attention. My pastor, my youth leader, my friends, my cousin, my dad... it spread like wildfire. That was the turning point. God used them instrumentally to bring His reality back into my life like a hurricane.
But to the question, am I created to be in a marriage relationship, the answer is probably yes. My struggle, however, is in this: "For it is better to marry than to be aflame with passion." Eesh, talk about embarrassment. I think my cheeks warmed up when I read that. My emotions control me more than I'd like to admit, I find them purely torturous most of the time. I'm not a squeaky clean kid, I have my past, but I believe in repentance and forgiveness. That doesn't mean I don't still have my issues. Sometimes mental images will attack me out of nowhere, most times when my mind is idle just before I go to bed, and I have to open my eyes and pull in other objects to eject the impure. Hate it when that happens, I lose my sleepy state.
In all seriousness though... I never want to be intimate before marriage, with all that is in me I want to please the One who gave me my body. But more than just that, I want to have love for brothers and sisters who have given in, and not just a, "I have to accept you because I'm Christian" kind of false love, but a sincere, humble love towards those who are broken. It's not just a "good" thing to do... it's required.
"Now as a concession, not a command, I say this. I wish that all were as I myself am. But each has his own gift from God, one of one kind and one of another.
To the unmarried and the widows I say that it is good for them to remain single, as I am. But if they cannot excercise self-control, they should marry. For it is better to marry than to be aflame with passion." - 1 Cor. 7:6-9
In one paragraph, in one section of one book in the entire Bible, I found answers to two thoughts which had been burning in my mind. I may have wondered about them before, but only recently have I tried to think it through more thoroughly, with varying results.
The first point I found best explained in the footnotes of my study Bible... "These are remarkable verses in that they reveal veiwpoints that appear to be far ahead of their time: a healthy perception of the woman's sexuality, and an understanding of the complete equality that exists between a man and a woman in the most intimate area of their relationship. The Scripture gives no support whatever to the notion that sexual relations are solely at the direction and for the enjoyment of the husband. The apostle allows for temporary abstention from sex (in a way similar to fasting) but he does not allow protracted abstinence. God requires sexual union as part of marriage [...] spouses may - but need not - deprive each other for a short period and for a specific reason. There are certain advantages for the work of the kingdom in remaining unmarried, and so Paul personally can wish that every believer would give his or her life exclusively to the advance of the gospel. But the apostle realizes that such a situation is not possible for everyone and would only lead many Christians into sexual temptation."
I'll stop there. These were my two questions: 1)I want to go into missionary work with my husband, but what if say I become pregnant or something and have to return to the States? Would I take him back with me, or would that be selfish? and 2)Am I created this way, or is it culturally induced to want someone, for me to want a partner in a marriage relationship?
1)It is apparent in Paul's writing that he wishes everyone would stay single like himself and go out into the world and preach salvation to the lost, but he understands not everyone is like him and that God desires different people for different tasks. Thus, if I had to separate from my husband, which I really wouldn't like, but might have to under extenuating circumstances, the words, "Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer," are a sort of comfort. There will be times when absence will be necessary, and it will be necessary for them to act singly in the work God has set apart for the time when married couples cannot be with each other. But it was interesting for me to notice how the equality works between the man and the wife in agreeing when to practice abstinence, and to do so with the understanding that it shouldn't be long.
2)This one makes me rather ashamed, actually. As a little girl I always dreamt of my wedding, what would the bridesmaids wear, what my groom would be like... but at the time, how could I have realized that a relationship would be so fundamentally important to me? It is my life drive, the reason I'm still here. The relationship with my heavenly Father took longer in coming than I would've wished, but I was running. I was looking for love in all the wrong places, for happiness in sordid corners, and I always came back empty and more defeated than I started. Winter has always been a dark time for me, as I tend to stew on the coldness and the unwantedness in my life and wish for a resting place. I wanted to throw in the towel, to just give up everything on earth and go home to my Father. The image in my head nagged me though... what if I did commit suicide, intent on going to heaven, and then having God look at me and say, "Did you not believe me when I told you I had plans for you? Why are you here?" The Lord was my helping hand, or rather, he carried me close, so I could smell Him, listen to His words, and be wrapped up in His presence. Without Him... I don't think I'd be here writing this, honestly. And though it was a source of embarrassment, I had ended up posting something online about feeling suicidal, and of all the notes... that got the most attention. My pastor, my youth leader, my friends, my cousin, my dad... it spread like wildfire. That was the turning point. God used them instrumentally to bring His reality back into my life like a hurricane.
But to the question, am I created to be in a marriage relationship, the answer is probably yes. My struggle, however, is in this: "For it is better to marry than to be aflame with passion." Eesh, talk about embarrassment. I think my cheeks warmed up when I read that. My emotions control me more than I'd like to admit, I find them purely torturous most of the time. I'm not a squeaky clean kid, I have my past, but I believe in repentance and forgiveness. That doesn't mean I don't still have my issues. Sometimes mental images will attack me out of nowhere, most times when my mind is idle just before I go to bed, and I have to open my eyes and pull in other objects to eject the impure. Hate it when that happens, I lose my sleepy state.
In all seriousness though... I never want to be intimate before marriage, with all that is in me I want to please the One who gave me my body. But more than just that, I want to have love for brothers and sisters who have given in, and not just a, "I have to accept you because I'm Christian" kind of false love, but a sincere, humble love towards those who are broken. It's not just a "good" thing to do... it's required.
Sunday, June 1, 2008
Define It
Love
1. A deep, tender, ineffable feeling of affection and solicitude toward a person, such as that arising from kinship, recognition of attractive qualities, or a sense of underlying oneness.
2. A person who is the object of deep or intense affection or attraction; beloved. Often used as a term of endearment.
3. The benevolent affection of God for His creatures, or the reverent affection due from them to God.
Next,
Steadfast
1. Firm in purpose, resolution, faith, attachment, etc.
2. Unwavering, as resolution, faith, adherence, etc.
3. Marked by firm determination or resolution; not shakable
"The STEADFAST LOVE of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness." -Lamentations 3:22-23
By looking at the number of times "steadfast" and "love" are in the concordance, I think God wants us to get this. Almost like He knows we are prone to forgetfulness and need reminding everywhere we look. Even in a book called Lamentations, the assurance of His devotion, his unwavering faithfulness can be found.
Romans 8:31-39, "(31)What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? ...(35)Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tirbulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or danger, or sword? (36)As it is written, 'For your sake we are being killed all the day long; we are regarded as sheep to be slaughtered.' (37)No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. (38)For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, (39)nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord."
How's that for a picture of steadfast love? God is for us, no one can separate us, no one can break the bond that is love holding us to Him. We are frail, we are imperfect and won't be able to hold up our end, but He CAN. We can't do it! We can't love Him without fail, but HIS love is steadfast, HIS love is strong, HIS love is given to us, given by His own sacrificial act. What is man that He should love him?
Tonight, around midnight, the storm began. Just another late spring storm blowing through, but I went out on my porch just the same. Heat lightning lit up the clouds, but nothing outstanding happened. Even the rain was holding off. "Lord," I whispered, "may I see some cool lightning?" He heard my request. Standing behind the pillar, I watched the sky as skeletal hands of light reached across its dark expanse again and again. My eyes tried to keep guessing where the brilliant flash would come from next as my heart leaped with joy inside me.
When the magic of the moment was over, I fell into thought again, and forgot about the lightning in front of my eyes. I would stare blankly into space and when nothing was happening, I'd glance away to the street or a neighboring house, and just at those moments, a huge lightning bolt would strike and I'd miss the vision.
In a way, I was reminded of how this behavior reflected my spiritual walk. When I ask, He gives, and I try to remember to thank Him once I receive, just as I did when I first stepped outside. But once I forget about the gift and allow other things to take my thoughts, my attention, I end up missing some really cool things. Those times when I let the world satisfy my curiosity, to fill my ears with music, or when I am distracted, I become oblivious to what's going on in front of me. My propensity for glancing at the street and elsewhere displays this.
It isn't possible for me to stay attentive! I've failed, I can't do it. He has to do it for me, His, steadfast, love. He is the one who keeps me alive, He is the one who answers my call, He is the one I can ask for healing and whom I can depend on, He is the one who knew me and all my intricacies before birth, He is the one who has brought me to where I am,
HE. IS. GOD.
Being that it is almost three in the morning now, and church is in the morning, I shall close with these words from Job 38.
"Where were you when I laid the foundation of the earth? Tell me, if you have understanding. Who determined its measurements - surely you know!
Or who stretched the line upon it? On what were its bases sunk, or who laid its cornerstone, when the morning stars sang together and all the sons of God shouted for joy?
Or who shut in the sea with doors when it burst out from the womb, when I made the clouds its garment and thick darkness its swaddling band, and prescribed limits for it and set bars and doors, and said, 'Thus far shall you come, and no farther, and here shall your proud waves be stayed'?
Have you commanded the morning since your days began, and caused the dawn to know its place, that it might take hold of the skirts or the earth and the wicked be shaken out of it? It is changed like clay under the seal, and its features stand out like a garment.
From the wicked their light is withheld, and their uplifted arm is broken.
Have you entered into the springs of the sea, or walked in the recesses of the deep?
Have the gates of death been revealed to you, or have you seen the gates of deep darkness?
Have you comprehended the expanse of the earth? Declare, if you know all this. Where is the way to the dwelling of light, and where is the place of darkness, that you may take it to its territory and that you may discern the paths to its home?
You know, for you were born then, and the number of your days is great!"
"The clouds poured out water; the skies gave forth thunder; your arrows flashed on every side. The crash of your thunder was in the whirlwind; your lightnings lighted up the world; the earth trembled and shook. Your way was through the sea, your path through the great waters; yet your footprints were unseen." -Psalm 77:17-19
1. A deep, tender, ineffable feeling of affection and solicitude toward a person, such as that arising from kinship, recognition of attractive qualities, or a sense of underlying oneness.
2. A person who is the object of deep or intense affection or attraction; beloved. Often used as a term of endearment.
3. The benevolent affection of God for His creatures, or the reverent affection due from them to God.
Next,
Steadfast
1. Firm in purpose, resolution, faith, attachment, etc.
2. Unwavering, as resolution, faith, adherence, etc.
3. Marked by firm determination or resolution; not shakable
"The STEADFAST LOVE of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness." -Lamentations 3:22-23
By looking at the number of times "steadfast" and "love" are in the concordance, I think God wants us to get this. Almost like He knows we are prone to forgetfulness and need reminding everywhere we look. Even in a book called Lamentations, the assurance of His devotion, his unwavering faithfulness can be found.
Romans 8:31-39, "(31)What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? ...(35)Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tirbulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or danger, or sword? (36)As it is written, 'For your sake we are being killed all the day long; we are regarded as sheep to be slaughtered.' (37)No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. (38)For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, (39)nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord."
How's that for a picture of steadfast love? God is for us, no one can separate us, no one can break the bond that is love holding us to Him. We are frail, we are imperfect and won't be able to hold up our end, but He CAN. We can't do it! We can't love Him without fail, but HIS love is steadfast, HIS love is strong, HIS love is given to us, given by His own sacrificial act. What is man that He should love him?
Tonight, around midnight, the storm began. Just another late spring storm blowing through, but I went out on my porch just the same. Heat lightning lit up the clouds, but nothing outstanding happened. Even the rain was holding off. "Lord," I whispered, "may I see some cool lightning?" He heard my request. Standing behind the pillar, I watched the sky as skeletal hands of light reached across its dark expanse again and again. My eyes tried to keep guessing where the brilliant flash would come from next as my heart leaped with joy inside me.
When the magic of the moment was over, I fell into thought again, and forgot about the lightning in front of my eyes. I would stare blankly into space and when nothing was happening, I'd glance away to the street or a neighboring house, and just at those moments, a huge lightning bolt would strike and I'd miss the vision.
In a way, I was reminded of how this behavior reflected my spiritual walk. When I ask, He gives, and I try to remember to thank Him once I receive, just as I did when I first stepped outside. But once I forget about the gift and allow other things to take my thoughts, my attention, I end up missing some really cool things. Those times when I let the world satisfy my curiosity, to fill my ears with music, or when I am distracted, I become oblivious to what's going on in front of me. My propensity for glancing at the street and elsewhere displays this.
It isn't possible for me to stay attentive! I've failed, I can't do it. He has to do it for me, His, steadfast, love. He is the one who keeps me alive, He is the one who answers my call, He is the one I can ask for healing and whom I can depend on, He is the one who knew me and all my intricacies before birth, He is the one who has brought me to where I am,
HE. IS. GOD.
Being that it is almost three in the morning now, and church is in the morning, I shall close with these words from Job 38.
"Where were you when I laid the foundation of the earth? Tell me, if you have understanding. Who determined its measurements - surely you know!
Or who stretched the line upon it? On what were its bases sunk, or who laid its cornerstone, when the morning stars sang together and all the sons of God shouted for joy?
Or who shut in the sea with doors when it burst out from the womb, when I made the clouds its garment and thick darkness its swaddling band, and prescribed limits for it and set bars and doors, and said, 'Thus far shall you come, and no farther, and here shall your proud waves be stayed'?
Have you commanded the morning since your days began, and caused the dawn to know its place, that it might take hold of the skirts or the earth and the wicked be shaken out of it? It is changed like clay under the seal, and its features stand out like a garment.
From the wicked their light is withheld, and their uplifted arm is broken.
Have you entered into the springs of the sea, or walked in the recesses of the deep?
Have the gates of death been revealed to you, or have you seen the gates of deep darkness?
Have you comprehended the expanse of the earth? Declare, if you know all this. Where is the way to the dwelling of light, and where is the place of darkness, that you may take it to its territory and that you may discern the paths to its home?
You know, for you were born then, and the number of your days is great!"
"The clouds poured out water; the skies gave forth thunder; your arrows flashed on every side. The crash of your thunder was in the whirlwind; your lightnings lighted up the world; the earth trembled and shook. Your way was through the sea, your path through the great waters; yet your footprints were unseen." -Psalm 77:17-19
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