Certainty

The alarm sounded for the third time on a Thursday morning. In my opinion, six-thirty should not be seen on the clock face unless it's PM. To be a licensed driver has it's pros and cons, one of the latter being the fact that I have to take my brother to his private school every morning, except Wednesdays when I actually have to be in my own classroom before he even has to leave the house. Loser. Anyway...

It's a wonder how all during the summer I take about an hour and a half to get up and be ready for work, but under the pressure of the academic schedule, I can be ready in 30 minutes. I was late getting into the car, the dashboard read 7:37, but the engine roared and then hummed to life smoothly, and I was gone. Letting off my brother at his school entrance, I continued on my way, turning up the radio to a station I actually wanted to listen to. That was probably just because I needed the noise, I wasn't actually listening. Oh, and I drive with my windows down, so at stoplights I get these looks from old people like, "Teenagers, ugh."

You know those certain times of the morning when the entire FM network goes on commercial? Yeah, I think it's a conspiracy. That happened, and I hate listening to those, so I hit the power button. What a morning to leave my MP3 at home. Windows down, the coolness of the morning whipping through the inside of the vehicle, and the sound of rubber tires against the different types of pavement made me realize just how noisy my thoughts really were. There was no way to concentrate on sounds, or even one line of thinking, everything was going at once. In some ways I wish I was more like my mother, at least she doesn't begin thinking until about lunch time. But the philosopher, theologian, romantic and teenager were all awakened in me at near eight in the morning. Can there be coincidences, or is it ALL supernatural? Why is predestination such a hot topic, and why didn't God make it clearer, or did He and we just haven't figured out how to interpret it? Or is it one of those things He just requires us to always lean on Him and learn from Him, because we'll never know the full answer until we get to heaven?

All those thoughts began to clash with ones that pertained solely to me, my wants, needs, studies, work, etc. "So-and-so has a well-rounded education." I've heard that before, and yet when I meet someone who truly is good in many ways, I feel so inadequate. An example, this person is amazing at volleyball, the piano, singing, people skills, writing, mathematics, and blah, blah, blah. I don't know anyone quite like that... but you get the idea. I look at my own paltry accomplishments and sigh. I shouldn't, and it normally doesn't bother me because I like what I'm good at, but it's those moments when I get caught in the compare snare when I feel ugly. But I digress.

Over the course of my day, it seemed a cloud hovered over my head, my own personalized storm. And of course, when you're blinded by problems of the world, it sidetracks you and you miss the one way out, the off ramp to the right destination. Thoughts were blazing through my head at lightning speed, most of them dark in nature and I couldn't understand it. Ever since God revealed Himself and His love for me at the beginning of this year, these episodes had become almost non-existent, but here they were, and back with a vengeance. I didn't feel I had the strength to fight it, and I doubt I did even if I were to try out of my human power. The entire day I was downcast and physically exhausted from trying to bear up under the weight of this.

Midnight was almost near, I flopped to one side of the bed. Too warm, I rolled to the other side. I almost dreaded falling asleep, because who knows what kind of dreams would accompany unconsciousness. Then it felt as if a command was uttered to me. "Pick up Spurgeon by your bedside." And for some reason, I did. Normally I would complain and deny something that told me to stay awake, but this was too clear. All I had to do was find August 14, and the verses which reflected off the page to my eyes instantly made sense. "Thou, Lord, hast made me glad through thy work." Psalm 92:4. The gist of that page was that, though as Christians we undergo "common trials and troubles of the world," that was nothing compared with the fact that in Christ we have been forgiven, and that we are no longer enslaved to the devils of this world, but free to be loved and freely forgiven, and because of that, we should have no fear of the hard times which inevitably will accompany us. Rejoice! The Lord has forgiven wrongs and has given us through Himself the strength to overpower evil which may haunt us.

But it was the next page which caused me to sob tears of exultation because of its truth. "I know their sorrows." Exodus 3:7 (The most poignant phrases I have boldened)

"The child is cheered as he sings, 'This my father knows'; and shall not we be comforted as we discern that our dear Friend and tender soul-husband knows all about us?
1. He is the Physician, and if He knows all, there is no need that the patient should know. Hush, thou silly, fluttering heart, prying, peeping, and suspecting! What thou knowest not now, thou shalt know hereafter, and meanwhile Jesus, the beloved Physician, knows the soul in adversities. Why need the patient analyse all the medicine, or estimate all the symptoms? This is the Physician's work, not mine; it is my business to trust, and his to prescribe. If He shall write His prescription in uncouth characters which I cannot read, I will not be uneasy on that account, but rely upon His unfailing skill to make all plain in the result, however mysterious the working.
2. He is the Master, and His knowledge is to serve us instead of our own; we are to obey, not to judge: 'The servant knoweth not what his lord doeth'. Shall the architect explain his plans to every hodman on the works? If he knows his own intent, is it not enough? The vessel on the wheel cannot guess to what pattern it shall be conformed, but if the potter understands his art, what matters the ignorance of the clay? My Lord must not be crosss-questioned any more by oen so ignorant as I am.
3. He is the Head. All understanding centres there. What judgement has the arm? what comprehesion has the foot? All the power to know lies in the head. Why should the member have a brain of its own when the head fulfils for it every intellectual office? Here, then, must the believer rest his comfort in sickness, not that he himself can see the end, but that Jesus knows all. Sweet Lord, be thou for ever eye, and soul, and head for us, and let us be content to know only what Thou choosest to reveal."

How many times has my Lord put me back on the right track! How many times has he pointed out to me, "Hello, where are you going? Let me show you the right way." In His abundant mercy and forgiveness, I can have full assurance as His child, that though I may get distracted, and forget the right, He's always there, always ready and willing and wanting to turn me right. Like a child learning to walk, the daddy speaks to his child to follow his voice, and urges his child to come into his open arms. When the infant falls, daddy is there to pick up his offspring and set them right again.

In bold print across the top of Psalm 71 are the words, "Forsake Me Not When My Strength Is Gone". I won't write it out, I'll leave it to you to look it up if you have the interest. Honestly, I get so excited talking about my Lord and what He done for me - both good and trying times - that I don't know how to stop. I could talk about Him all day, I can't get enough of discussions about Him, I want to know Him so much more. And I know that it is only He who would've instilled this desire, this passion for Himself.

It struck me as odd last night though, that I take the love Christ gave me as secure and forget how high the price for it was. In some ways, I forget its power and wish for human love with more force in my core than I experience when I think of Jesus' love. I'm wrestling with that, and if I were to ask for prayer, it would be for clarity to know how to love God as well as man, or rather, to love Him more than man, but at the same time. While I'm comfortable with my identity in Christ Jesus, I still can't deny that I yearn for a husband someday, and how with each passing month and year, it only hurts more. It is not for me to question my Master, He is my Physician and even if I don't understand the prescription for this time in my life, He will let me know when I need to. Of that, I am entirely certain.